Monday, June 22, 2009
The Miracle of Birth
If there's one thing movies and television shows have taught me, the birth of a child is the greatest day of a person's life. Sadly, it seems Hollywood is a habitual liar because I felt that the twenty-four hours I spent in a hospital waiting for my son to be born was one of the worst days of my life. Thankfully it all ended well.
Mako shook me awake around 2:45AM on Sunday morning, clutching herself and saying "We need to go to the hospital." It would later turn out that she had been in pain for nearly two hours prior to that but she stuck it out and waited to see if it would pass. It never did, so we all threw on our clothes and drove to the hospital I was understandably excited, if a little drowsy.
When we arrived I was quite surprised at the lack of initiative from the skeleton crew working the off-hours. Technically speaking, this hospital is "closed" on Sunday but they maintain a side entrance and a small reception desk during these periods. Mako called them before we left so when we arrived, they knew we were coming. That doesn't mean they did anything though. I distinctly remember one man walk past us, acknowledge our presence by simply saying "Ah, Feit-san. Go to the fifth floor." without breaking his stride. You would think a pregnant woman bent over in pain would warrant a wheelchair or some measure of physical assistance, but not here.
The fifth floor was a little busier than the ground floor, probably because there's always something going on in the maternity ward. Newborns arrive when they arrive and both they and their mothers require 24-hour care. Still, despite the buzzing of nurses around us most of the lights were off on the floor, so we spent our initial wait in the dark. Eventually Mako got a bed in the "labor room" and we were told that despite the pain, Mako was only dilated three centimeters and she needed to be at ten centimeters before any serious attempt to give birth could be made. When we asked how long that might take, they said "a while."
I must try to set the scene here by describing the labor room. There is only one room and all expectant mothers have to share it, apparently. I don't know how many beds were in the room but there was little more than a wall and a curtain to separate Mako's bed from the others. Mako was also located right next to the toilet and near the examination chair, so we were in a fairly high traffic section of a very small room. It was here that we had to wait...and wait...and wait...
As noon approached and after repeated claims of "it'll be a bit longer" it was evident that while Mako needed to lie in bed and wait, we didn't all necessarily have to sit next to her until the baby arrived. Mako's mother stayed and encouraged me to go with my father-in-law back to the house and clean up. We were all exhausted, having woken up in the middle of night only to sit and wait for nine hours in the corner of the labor room, so the idea of a shower sounded pretty good. Mako's dad also suggested we have some lunch, which I thought might help me cope with all the stress but it didn't change much. That's how nervous I was: not even eating made me feel better.
We went back to the house and I washed up. My father-in-law told me to try and take a nap which was virtually impossible. Despite all the waiting with no end in sight, I was still worried that the baby would arrive at any moment. I laid down and maybe nodded off for forty minutes or so, but I awoke sharply and scared that I had missed the birth. I hadn't, of course, but I wouldn't feel calm until I was back at the hospital and next to Mako.
Hours and hours went by, and I spent all of them by Mako's side in the corner of this horrible, horrible room. I'm not going to point any fingers here, because I certainly don't have the intestinal fortitude to endure even a tenth of what a pregnant woman goes though, but everything in this labor room carried a horrible stench. The human body generates a lot of foul smelling byproducts and this room was where they all get discharged. The delivery room (when we finally got there) was even worse, but the labor room's odor and total lack of privacy was miserable. Adding insult to injury was that my only seat was a tiny stool with no back and nothing to lean against. Between Mako's bed, her I.V. and the table where we laid out her belongings, there was barely any space for any visitors to sit by the bed.
Eventually I went out again with her father for another meal, but I again spent the entire time thinking only of her. It obviously can't compare to the physical pain a pregnant woman experiences, but to see my wife in such torturous agony all day while she waits and waits was really painful for me. However, the idea of not being with her felt even worse because we had decided together to try and have a baby. Wouldn't leaving her to have the baby without me be a betrayal of our mutual agreement?
Speaking of which, one of the worst things about this shared labor room was overhearing all of the other patients. In the next bed over was a woman who had checked in some time before us. At first she was just sleeping but as the evening approached, she went into the delivery room which was within an audible distance. She shrieked and screamed and we eventually heard the baby's first cries. A little while later, a man showed up and was surprised when he found out the baby was already born. This was obviously the father and I never saw him visit her once that day. Where the fuck was this guy that he couldn't attend his own child's birth or even comfort his wife as she struggled? His failure as a father/husband reminded me why I needed to sit next to Mako and just ignore my back pain and exhaustion. Yes, I left twice to eat meals, but I never left her alone and on both occasions I came back within an hour. At no point was Mako without a member of her family on hand.
As the sun went down, it occurred to me that Mako had just spent the entirety of the Summer Solstice indoors, waiting for this baby. After about seventeen hours, things started to look like the baby was coming. We were still in the labor room but as her dilation increased, Mako was encouraged to try pushing to speed up the process. While I had spent most of the day just sitting with Mako and occasionally massaging her, it was during these initial pushes that I actually had something important to do. Mako was standing up and hugging me, holding onto me for leverage and squeezing with all her might as she tried to push. It was crazy intense and while it would prove futile (and it hurt like hell), it was the undisputed highlight of Sunday because I felt like I mattered.
This is as good a time as any to mention how little attention the hospital staff paid attention to me, which I found deeply insulting. Maybe it's just the culture of Japan to leave the husband out of the birth process, but as I spent my entire Sunday next to my wife trying to console her and assist in the delivery our child, you would think that at one point someone would just start talking to me about something, anything, to acknowledge my constant presence. Instead, I was spoken about but almost never spoken to. The bad news is, I'm pretty sure it was that old-fashioned Japanese racism at work.
For those unfamiliar with Japanese racism, I should explain that it's not actually hateful as much as it's clueless and stupid. I'm sure none of the nurses or doctors felt anything was wrong with me, they just never thought to treat me like a human being. Instead, I was treated like a gaijin. They would ask my wife "where is your husband from?" and "does your husband speak Japanese?" instead of just asking me directly. When they needed our signatures on waivers, they would explain everything to her (while I listened) and then look at me and start stammering, mumbling to themselves "oh, how do I explain this since you cannot read?" Under the circumstances I let it all slide but inside I was pretty pissed.
But I digress...around ten o'clock we finally entered the delivery room. Mako gave it her all but after spending her entire day in pain on a bed without eating (she had no appetite at all), she found herself unable to push the baby out. They put her through a variety of poses, which means they were trying their best but it felt like they didn't really know what to do. Eventually they said there was a "bump" (こぶ in Japanese) and the baby wasn't moving any closer to the exit. Just after one AM, Mako couldn't push anymore and asked them for a C-section. True story: in Japan they call it an "imperial cut" (帝王切開).
They spent almost an hour prepping Mako for surgery and then took her away to the O.R. I was left in the dark (literally) to sit and wait to find out what was going to happen to my family. I was understandably upset by this turn of events. Was there nowhere else I could go? I knew the surgery was routine and carried relatively little risk but that couldn't stop me from worrying about what might happen on the operating table. Let's not forget that it was past two AM and I had been awake for nearly twenty-four straight hours, so I was already a little out of my mind. Being afraid that my wife or my son might not return from the O.R. was terror I didn't need.
My son was the first to appear, shortly before three AM. I wanted to be excited and revel in the moment of seeing my first child in the flesh, but all I could think about was Mako who was still absent. I asked the nurse and all she could say was "they're closing her up." While that was meant as a reassurance, I couldn't put her out of mind even as I looked down at my very healthy brand-new baby boy.
As you can guess, she eventually turned up, as did her parents who must have been up waiting for my messages. Mako was on a stretcher and couldn't sit up, but she was conscious and able to ask me if I saw the baby. I told I did and that made her smile. For all the hell the two of us had gone through (her more than me, of course), having a baby after nine months of anticipation was a wonderful feeling. I suppose if we were going to go with the surgery in the end we could have saved Mako a great many hours of discomfort by asking sooner, but we had hoped for a natural birth. Ah well, at least now my son can totally kill MacBeth.
Tell thee, Feit was from his mother's womb
Untimely ripp'd.
つづく...(Click here to read more)
Mako shook me awake around 2:45AM on Sunday morning, clutching herself and saying "We need to go to the hospital." It would later turn out that she had been in pain for nearly two hours prior to that but she stuck it out and waited to see if it would pass. It never did, so we all threw on our clothes and drove to the hospital I was understandably excited, if a little drowsy.
When we arrived I was quite surprised at the lack of initiative from the skeleton crew working the off-hours. Technically speaking, this hospital is "closed" on Sunday but they maintain a side entrance and a small reception desk during these periods. Mako called them before we left so when we arrived, they knew we were coming. That doesn't mean they did anything though. I distinctly remember one man walk past us, acknowledge our presence by simply saying "Ah, Feit-san. Go to the fifth floor." without breaking his stride. You would think a pregnant woman bent over in pain would warrant a wheelchair or some measure of physical assistance, but not here.
The fifth floor was a little busier than the ground floor, probably because there's always something going on in the maternity ward. Newborns arrive when they arrive and both they and their mothers require 24-hour care. Still, despite the buzzing of nurses around us most of the lights were off on the floor, so we spent our initial wait in the dark. Eventually Mako got a bed in the "labor room" and we were told that despite the pain, Mako was only dilated three centimeters and she needed to be at ten centimeters before any serious attempt to give birth could be made. When we asked how long that might take, they said "a while."
I must try to set the scene here by describing the labor room. There is only one room and all expectant mothers have to share it, apparently. I don't know how many beds were in the room but there was little more than a wall and a curtain to separate Mako's bed from the others. Mako was also located right next to the toilet and near the examination chair, so we were in a fairly high traffic section of a very small room. It was here that we had to wait...and wait...and wait...
As noon approached and after repeated claims of "it'll be a bit longer" it was evident that while Mako needed to lie in bed and wait, we didn't all necessarily have to sit next to her until the baby arrived. Mako's mother stayed and encouraged me to go with my father-in-law back to the house and clean up. We were all exhausted, having woken up in the middle of night only to sit and wait for nine hours in the corner of the labor room, so the idea of a shower sounded pretty good. Mako's dad also suggested we have some lunch, which I thought might help me cope with all the stress but it didn't change much. That's how nervous I was: not even eating made me feel better.
We went back to the house and I washed up. My father-in-law told me to try and take a nap which was virtually impossible. Despite all the waiting with no end in sight, I was still worried that the baby would arrive at any moment. I laid down and maybe nodded off for forty minutes or so, but I awoke sharply and scared that I had missed the birth. I hadn't, of course, but I wouldn't feel calm until I was back at the hospital and next to Mako.
Hours and hours went by, and I spent all of them by Mako's side in the corner of this horrible, horrible room. I'm not going to point any fingers here, because I certainly don't have the intestinal fortitude to endure even a tenth of what a pregnant woman goes though, but everything in this labor room carried a horrible stench. The human body generates a lot of foul smelling byproducts and this room was where they all get discharged. The delivery room (when we finally got there) was even worse, but the labor room's odor and total lack of privacy was miserable. Adding insult to injury was that my only seat was a tiny stool with no back and nothing to lean against. Between Mako's bed, her I.V. and the table where we laid out her belongings, there was barely any space for any visitors to sit by the bed.
Eventually I went out again with her father for another meal, but I again spent the entire time thinking only of her. It obviously can't compare to the physical pain a pregnant woman experiences, but to see my wife in such torturous agony all day while she waits and waits was really painful for me. However, the idea of not being with her felt even worse because we had decided together to try and have a baby. Wouldn't leaving her to have the baby without me be a betrayal of our mutual agreement?
Speaking of which, one of the worst things about this shared labor room was overhearing all of the other patients. In the next bed over was a woman who had checked in some time before us. At first she was just sleeping but as the evening approached, she went into the delivery room which was within an audible distance. She shrieked and screamed and we eventually heard the baby's first cries. A little while later, a man showed up and was surprised when he found out the baby was already born. This was obviously the father and I never saw him visit her once that day. Where the fuck was this guy that he couldn't attend his own child's birth or even comfort his wife as she struggled? His failure as a father/husband reminded me why I needed to sit next to Mako and just ignore my back pain and exhaustion. Yes, I left twice to eat meals, but I never left her alone and on both occasions I came back within an hour. At no point was Mako without a member of her family on hand.
As the sun went down, it occurred to me that Mako had just spent the entirety of the Summer Solstice indoors, waiting for this baby. After about seventeen hours, things started to look like the baby was coming. We were still in the labor room but as her dilation increased, Mako was encouraged to try pushing to speed up the process. While I had spent most of the day just sitting with Mako and occasionally massaging her, it was during these initial pushes that I actually had something important to do. Mako was standing up and hugging me, holding onto me for leverage and squeezing with all her might as she tried to push. It was crazy intense and while it would prove futile (and it hurt like hell), it was the undisputed highlight of Sunday because I felt like I mattered.
This is as good a time as any to mention how little attention the hospital staff paid attention to me, which I found deeply insulting. Maybe it's just the culture of Japan to leave the husband out of the birth process, but as I spent my entire Sunday next to my wife trying to console her and assist in the delivery our child, you would think that at one point someone would just start talking to me about something, anything, to acknowledge my constant presence. Instead, I was spoken about but almost never spoken to. The bad news is, I'm pretty sure it was that old-fashioned Japanese racism at work.
For those unfamiliar with Japanese racism, I should explain that it's not actually hateful as much as it's clueless and stupid. I'm sure none of the nurses or doctors felt anything was wrong with me, they just never thought to treat me like a human being. Instead, I was treated like a gaijin. They would ask my wife "where is your husband from?" and "does your husband speak Japanese?" instead of just asking me directly. When they needed our signatures on waivers, they would explain everything to her (while I listened) and then look at me and start stammering, mumbling to themselves "oh, how do I explain this since you cannot read?" Under the circumstances I let it all slide but inside I was pretty pissed.
But I digress...around ten o'clock we finally entered the delivery room. Mako gave it her all but after spending her entire day in pain on a bed without eating (she had no appetite at all), she found herself unable to push the baby out. They put her through a variety of poses, which means they were trying their best but it felt like they didn't really know what to do. Eventually they said there was a "bump" (こぶ in Japanese) and the baby wasn't moving any closer to the exit. Just after one AM, Mako couldn't push anymore and asked them for a C-section. True story: in Japan they call it an "imperial cut" (帝王切開).
They spent almost an hour prepping Mako for surgery and then took her away to the O.R. I was left in the dark (literally) to sit and wait to find out what was going to happen to my family. I was understandably upset by this turn of events. Was there nowhere else I could go? I knew the surgery was routine and carried relatively little risk but that couldn't stop me from worrying about what might happen on the operating table. Let's not forget that it was past two AM and I had been awake for nearly twenty-four straight hours, so I was already a little out of my mind. Being afraid that my wife or my son might not return from the O.R. was terror I didn't need.
My son was the first to appear, shortly before three AM. I wanted to be excited and revel in the moment of seeing my first child in the flesh, but all I could think about was Mako who was still absent. I asked the nurse and all she could say was "they're closing her up." While that was meant as a reassurance, I couldn't put her out of mind even as I looked down at my very healthy brand-new baby boy.
As you can guess, she eventually turned up, as did her parents who must have been up waiting for my messages. Mako was on a stretcher and couldn't sit up, but she was conscious and able to ask me if I saw the baby. I told I did and that made her smile. For all the hell the two of us had gone through (her more than me, of course), having a baby after nine months of anticipation was a wonderful feeling. I suppose if we were going to go with the surgery in the end we could have saved Mako a great many hours of discomfort by asking sooner, but we had hoped for a natural birth. Ah well, at least now my son can totally kill MacBeth.
Tell thee, Feit was from his mother's womb
Untimely ripp'd.
Labels: awkward firsts, family, Japan, marriage, number one son, pregnancy
つづく...(Click here to read more)
Friday, June 19, 2009
Bring on the Crying Infant Already
It's Friday night again and yes, we are still childless. I'm waiting with Mako at her parents' house, just like I did last weekend when I thought we were done with this process. Will the baby be born this weekend? Maybe, but at this point the doctors are just saying the same thing every week: "The baby will come soon." Thanks, Doc!
Besides not sleeping well, a major result of this baby anxiety has been my attitude towards work. I can't really explain it, but with each new day I go to work wondering when my son will be born, the less I want to go to school and put up with what I put up with. It's not that things have been particularly rough this month, I just find myself running low on patience. With all of the stress this waiting has brought me, the little things I endure at work/in Japan have just felt a bit more irritating.
Of course, that goes right back to my issues with spending my entire weekend with my in-laws. My wife is Japanese and I live in Japan, of course, but normally I spend Saturday and Sunday relaxing in a way that offers me an escape from my weekday routine. When I instead come here and stay in their house, I'm spending that much more time "in Japan" and the stress builds up. I may not have to go to work but I'm still being bombarded with Japanese idiosyncrasies and the like while I'm here.
For example, after five days of being peppered with English questions that range from profound to unanswerable, it's a bit of drag for the parade to continue into my weekend. My wife's parents have both, in their own way, been increasingly asking me about the English language and foreign customs. My mother-in-law has even started taking English lessons from somebody and she can't wait to talk to me about what she's been studying. She's also asking me to translate random words into English now, which my coworkers and students have been doing for almost two years.
I know I sound like a pissy, bitter jerk right now, but that's the point. None of these little things are new developments, they're just accumulating en masse at the same time as I'm trying to come to terms with this baby we're having. Stuff I had accepted as part of life in Japan is no longer quietly resting in the back of my mind, easily ignored and tolerated as par for the course. I consider myself pretty adept at dealing with the so-called small stuff, but in my present situation even the small stuff is really getting on my nerves.
I just want this pregnancy to end. I'm sure the baby will present a new world of challenges and none of the things that bother me right now will go away, but that's a different matter entirely. Mako and I will work together to raise the baby. We can't work together to deal with the pregnancy. We are separated both physically and mentally and I've had enough. Give me back my wife, kiddo. Your nine months are up!
つづく...(Click here to read more)
Besides not sleeping well, a major result of this baby anxiety has been my attitude towards work. I can't really explain it, but with each new day I go to work wondering when my son will be born, the less I want to go to school and put up with what I put up with. It's not that things have been particularly rough this month, I just find myself running low on patience. With all of the stress this waiting has brought me, the little things I endure at work/in Japan have just felt a bit more irritating.
Of course, that goes right back to my issues with spending my entire weekend with my in-laws. My wife is Japanese and I live in Japan, of course, but normally I spend Saturday and Sunday relaxing in a way that offers me an escape from my weekday routine. When I instead come here and stay in their house, I'm spending that much more time "in Japan" and the stress builds up. I may not have to go to work but I'm still being bombarded with Japanese idiosyncrasies and the like while I'm here.
For example, after five days of being peppered with English questions that range from profound to unanswerable, it's a bit of drag for the parade to continue into my weekend. My wife's parents have both, in their own way, been increasingly asking me about the English language and foreign customs. My mother-in-law has even started taking English lessons from somebody and she can't wait to talk to me about what she's been studying. She's also asking me to translate random words into English now, which my coworkers and students have been doing for almost two years.
I know I sound like a pissy, bitter jerk right now, but that's the point. None of these little things are new developments, they're just accumulating en masse at the same time as I'm trying to come to terms with this baby we're having. Stuff I had accepted as part of life in Japan is no longer quietly resting in the back of my mind, easily ignored and tolerated as par for the course. I consider myself pretty adept at dealing with the so-called small stuff, but in my present situation even the small stuff is really getting on my nerves.
I just want this pregnancy to end. I'm sure the baby will present a new world of challenges and none of the things that bother me right now will go away, but that's a different matter entirely. Mako and I will work together to raise the baby. We can't work together to deal with the pregnancy. We are separated both physically and mentally and I've had enough. Give me back my wife, kiddo. Your nine months are up!
Labels: family, frustration, Japan, pregnancy
つづく...(Click here to read more)
Thursday, June 18, 2009
I Am Dan's Sleep Starved Brain
I can't sleep. For someone with a nickname like "feitclub," this is very bad news. I'm not talking to myself (at least, not more than usual) and I haven't started plotting against society or anything, but without any self-help groups to cavalierly drop in on, I'm not sure how to correct this problem.
Oh don't worry! I mean, if I lay down in bed I will eventually fade out, but it takes a very long time and I am routinely waking up earlier and earlier in the morning regardless of when I turn in. Last night I went to bed at 11, tossed and turned for over an hour and then woke up around 4:30. I never fully fell asleep again, although I didn't get out of bed until it was almost 6. This is not enough rest for me, especially considering how much energy and liveliness my job demands.
The potential causes, as I see them, are numerous and overlapping. First and foremost is Mako and the frustratingly-unborn son she's still carrying. After her appointment last Friday and some sudden discomfort on Saturday, I was sure this kid was on the fast track for the birth canal. No such luck; it's now Thursday and she feels no closer to delivery than she did at the start of the month. She'll visit the doctor again tomorrow and we'll see what the the prognosis is, but I suspect this hovering uncertainty is definitely preventing me from drifting off into peaceful sleep since I'm so anxious about Mako's condition. The evidence supporting this theory is the fact that I sleep much better on the weekends when I am at her parents' house lying next to her.
Not helping matters is the ever-increasing temperature in my apartment. Technically speaking, Japan is in the midst of its annual rainy season, but it hasn't rained since last week. Instead, each day has been sunny and warm with a rather uncomfortably high level of humidity. I'm not at the point where I've turned on the A/C or started taking a second shower to cool down, but the bedroom is the stuffiest room in our apartment and the oscillating fan can only do so much to help me relax.
Another recent matter that might be adversely affecting my sleeping habits is my new-found video gaming time. Ever since Mako moved back to her parents' house I've been taking advantage of my audio/visual freedom and firing up the consoles on a nightly basis. For a few weeks, Richard and I were blasting our way through Resident Evil 5, so much so that the only trophy left to earn is the big one: complete the game on Professional Mode where the enemies are faster and nearly all of their attacks are lethal. The steep increase in difficulty has proven to be disheartening because the game is a lot less fun now. We've already played through all these stages multiple times to get this far, so repeated failures and restarts on Professional Mode feel like an extraordinary waste of time.
As a departure of sorts, I've finally forced myself to play BioShock and so far, it's every bit as absorbing as I hoped it would be. Indeed, the tension level is as high as any other video game I've ever played. For all the shambling zombie-like foes I've faced in Resident Evil 5, BioShock is the first game that's scared me in a long time. It's not that the mad residents of Rapture are more threatening than waves of infected Africans, it's their world that is so deeply unsettling to me. The so-called "Splicers" who roam the underwater city of Rapture all look like they were attending a party with the ghosts in the Overlook Hotel. Most of them wear odd-looking masks, which is just creepy, and they talk. A lot. Sometimes they yell at me, sometimes they argue amongst themselves, and some of them just babble and wail to no one in particular. There was a freaky moment at the start of the game where I approached a weeping woman who was fawning over a baby carriage. When I bashed her with my pipe wrench, I looked into the carriage to see what she was talking to: a revolver. That's just plain nuts right there.
Well, you get the idea of what I'm dealing with each night. Between worrying about my wife, sweating through my clothes and plugging myself into some intense virtual worlds, it's been difficult for me to just settle down and go to sleep at 11 or even at midnight. I know I should be doing all I can to sleep now before a crying baby moves in with us, but it's not like I'll be able to play many games when he's here. Either way, I'm going to be drowsy, so I might as well have my fun while I can.
つづく...(Click here to read more)
Oh don't worry! I mean, if I lay down in bed I will eventually fade out, but it takes a very long time and I am routinely waking up earlier and earlier in the morning regardless of when I turn in. Last night I went to bed at 11, tossed and turned for over an hour and then woke up around 4:30. I never fully fell asleep again, although I didn't get out of bed until it was almost 6. This is not enough rest for me, especially considering how much energy and liveliness my job demands.
The potential causes, as I see them, are numerous and overlapping. First and foremost is Mako and the frustratingly-unborn son she's still carrying. After her appointment last Friday and some sudden discomfort on Saturday, I was sure this kid was on the fast track for the birth canal. No such luck; it's now Thursday and she feels no closer to delivery than she did at the start of the month. She'll visit the doctor again tomorrow and we'll see what the the prognosis is, but I suspect this hovering uncertainty is definitely preventing me from drifting off into peaceful sleep since I'm so anxious about Mako's condition. The evidence supporting this theory is the fact that I sleep much better on the weekends when I am at her parents' house lying next to her.
Not helping matters is the ever-increasing temperature in my apartment. Technically speaking, Japan is in the midst of its annual rainy season, but it hasn't rained since last week. Instead, each day has been sunny and warm with a rather uncomfortably high level of humidity. I'm not at the point where I've turned on the A/C or started taking a second shower to cool down, but the bedroom is the stuffiest room in our apartment and the oscillating fan can only do so much to help me relax.
Another recent matter that might be adversely affecting my sleeping habits is my new-found video gaming time. Ever since Mako moved back to her parents' house I've been taking advantage of my audio/visual freedom and firing up the consoles on a nightly basis. For a few weeks, Richard and I were blasting our way through Resident Evil 5, so much so that the only trophy left to earn is the big one: complete the game on Professional Mode where the enemies are faster and nearly all of their attacks are lethal. The steep increase in difficulty has proven to be disheartening because the game is a lot less fun now. We've already played through all these stages multiple times to get this far, so repeated failures and restarts on Professional Mode feel like an extraordinary waste of time.
As a departure of sorts, I've finally forced myself to play BioShock and so far, it's every bit as absorbing as I hoped it would be. Indeed, the tension level is as high as any other video game I've ever played. For all the shambling zombie-like foes I've faced in Resident Evil 5, BioShock is the first game that's scared me in a long time. It's not that the mad residents of Rapture are more threatening than waves of infected Africans, it's their world that is so deeply unsettling to me. The so-called "Splicers" who roam the underwater city of Rapture all look like they were attending a party with the ghosts in the Overlook Hotel. Most of them wear odd-looking masks, which is just creepy, and they talk. A lot. Sometimes they yell at me, sometimes they argue amongst themselves, and some of them just babble and wail to no one in particular. There was a freaky moment at the start of the game where I approached a weeping woman who was fawning over a baby carriage. When I bashed her with my pipe wrench, I looked into the carriage to see what she was talking to: a revolver. That's just plain nuts right there.
Well, you get the idea of what I'm dealing with each night. Between worrying about my wife, sweating through my clothes and plugging myself into some intense virtual worlds, it's been difficult for me to just settle down and go to sleep at 11 or even at midnight. I know I should be doing all I can to sleep now before a crying baby moves in with us, but it's not like I'll be able to play many games when he's here. Either way, I'm going to be drowsy, so I might as well have my fun while I can.
Labels: BioShock, family, Fight Club, pregnancy, Resident Evil, video games
つづく...(Click here to read more)
Sunday, June 14, 2009
And Baby Makes...me wait
So yeah, what was that news everyone wanted to know about? Oh right, the baby...
Well, the bad news is there is no baby news, really. Mako visited the doctor on Friday and they said "wow, this baby will be here any day now." I spent the whole weekend with her at her parents' in the hopes of being there for the big moment, but the big moment never came. Now it's Sunday night and I'm back home, alone again, with no real understanding of when the baby is due. I'm just going to go to work each day and hope that "the call" doesn't come at an inopportune moment.
The good news is that Mako is in really good spirits about the whole thing. She had her ups and downs during this pregnancy, and I saw sides of her I never, ever want to see again. But right now she's dealing with the physical and emotional sides of this as best she can. We were able to kid around and laugh about the mystery of the birth all weekend.
Something else we did all weekend was eat. It's ironic that my mother warned me not to eat too much junk food while I'm living on my own, because I eat twice as much food when I'm with my in-laws. Not only are there three solid meals a day, but there's an array of cakes, sweets, donuts, and the like. When I'm at home, I may play a lot of games and stay up late watching TV, but I don't stuff my face because the fridge is almost empty. Meanwhile, Mako's mom bought some roll cake this afternoon and while we were eating it, Mako's sister showed up with her family and even more cake. What choice did I have but to keep eating?
So to my mom and dad and everyone else who's waiting to hear about the baby, I must ask you to keep waiting. Trust me, I will shout any developments from the top of my cyber-mountain. In the meantime, you may prepare my Father's Day presents now because my son should be here by Sunday and he's totally not going to give me anything, the little ingrate!
つづく...(Click here to read more)
Well, the bad news is there is no baby news, really. Mako visited the doctor on Friday and they said "wow, this baby will be here any day now." I spent the whole weekend with her at her parents' in the hopes of being there for the big moment, but the big moment never came. Now it's Sunday night and I'm back home, alone again, with no real understanding of when the baby is due. I'm just going to go to work each day and hope that "the call" doesn't come at an inopportune moment.
The good news is that Mako is in really good spirits about the whole thing. She had her ups and downs during this pregnancy, and I saw sides of her I never, ever want to see again. But right now she's dealing with the physical and emotional sides of this as best she can. We were able to kid around and laugh about the mystery of the birth all weekend.
Something else we did all weekend was eat. It's ironic that my mother warned me not to eat too much junk food while I'm living on my own, because I eat twice as much food when I'm with my in-laws. Not only are there three solid meals a day, but there's an array of cakes, sweets, donuts, and the like. When I'm at home, I may play a lot of games and stay up late watching TV, but I don't stuff my face because the fridge is almost empty. Meanwhile, Mako's mom bought some roll cake this afternoon and while we were eating it, Mako's sister showed up with her family and even more cake. What choice did I have but to keep eating?
So to my mom and dad and everyone else who's waiting to hear about the baby, I must ask you to keep waiting. Trust me, I will shout any developments from the top of my cyber-mountain. In the meantime, you may prepare my Father's Day presents now because my son should be here by Sunday and he's totally not going to give me anything, the little ingrate!
Labels: family, food, pregnancy
つづく...(Click here to read more)
Monday, June 08, 2009
T-minus Whenever it Feels Right
So it seems everyone has baby questions for me and the answer to all of them is "soon." The baby will be born soon, Mako will enter the hospital soon, we will formally declare the baby's name soon, and I'm going to be pushed one step closer to adulthood soon. What I can't say is "when" because we simply don't know. But it's soon, that's for sure.
I spent Friday night with Mako at her parents' house again and while that isn't getting any easier, at least I get to sleep. For reasons I cannot explain I have not been sleeping well in my own bed. It could be a simple matter of not having my wife next to me, or maybe it's just stress, but since Mako went back to her childhood home I have barely managed to sleep more than four or five hours at a time. True, I should be going to bed earlier as it is harder to resist TV and video games when you're alone, but even when I lay down before eleven I'll wake up once or twice during the night.
Mako is really caught between her needs and her wants right now. She tells me about things she wants to do all the time, but with all that weight and a new life form squirming around inside her she simply cannot do much of anything without a long rest before, during, and after. Even going to the movies is out of the question for her, which is a shame because she seems interested in Terminator 4 and it's opening in Japan real soon. I would have thought sitting down would be an easy activity in her condition but it seems that she's worried about having to sit STILL for such a long time. Plus she's been having some issues with her feet that are best dealt with by elevating her lower half. There's certainly no room for that in a movie theater.
I really feel torn about how our lives are being wedged apart right now, even if it's only temporary. I can't just go down there everyday because it's too far. I could spend my weekends there but I fear my sanity would snap. There's so much pressure being a guest in someone's house, especially an overnight guest and especially especially one who has to really concentrate to communicate at all. So I've been spending one night a week there and then leaving, even though I feel lonely when I'm at home all by myself. I feel bad when she's not around but I can't manage to be with her for more than eighteen hours or so because there's nothing for us to do. It's a weird Catch-22 and it's entirely in my own head.
At the very least, I didn't spend Saturday night alone. I went out to Osaka and met Alex and another friend of his, Rachel. We didn't really "go" anywhere or "do" anything as much as we went out on the streets and spent the evening together. We found great amusement in people watching in Dotonbori (this trash collector and this apparent performance artist being two of the highlights) and enjoyed a delicious Western-style pizza at nearby Slices in Amerika-mura. Eventually we wandered into a cheapo karaoke joint that had shoddy drink service and questionable song selection but it more than made for it in price. I spent less than 1000 Yen for two hours which is an incredible bargain, especially for a Saturday night. Combine that with our policy of buying drinks in convenience stores rather than bars and we all managed to have a great night without spending much money at all.
Meanwhile, it's Monday again and I find myself still "single" and no closer to understanding when my life will completely change. Will the baby arrive in time for Father's Day? Will it be born during the week? Will it be born tomorrow? Perhaps that's what's keeping me up at night more than anything else. At least when I sleep next to Mako, I know that IF the baby decides to join us, I'll be right by her side. If the baby comes in the middle of the night and we're apart, well, I don't have a car and there are no trains...
つづく...(Click here to read more)
I spent Friday night with Mako at her parents' house again and while that isn't getting any easier, at least I get to sleep. For reasons I cannot explain I have not been sleeping well in my own bed. It could be a simple matter of not having my wife next to me, or maybe it's just stress, but since Mako went back to her childhood home I have barely managed to sleep more than four or five hours at a time. True, I should be going to bed earlier as it is harder to resist TV and video games when you're alone, but even when I lay down before eleven I'll wake up once or twice during the night.
Mako is really caught between her needs and her wants right now. She tells me about things she wants to do all the time, but with all that weight and a new life form squirming around inside her she simply cannot do much of anything without a long rest before, during, and after. Even going to the movies is out of the question for her, which is a shame because she seems interested in Terminator 4 and it's opening in Japan real soon. I would have thought sitting down would be an easy activity in her condition but it seems that she's worried about having to sit STILL for such a long time. Plus she's been having some issues with her feet that are best dealt with by elevating her lower half. There's certainly no room for that in a movie theater.
I really feel torn about how our lives are being wedged apart right now, even if it's only temporary. I can't just go down there everyday because it's too far. I could spend my weekends there but I fear my sanity would snap. There's so much pressure being a guest in someone's house, especially an overnight guest and especially especially one who has to really concentrate to communicate at all. So I've been spending one night a week there and then leaving, even though I feel lonely when I'm at home all by myself. I feel bad when she's not around but I can't manage to be with her for more than eighteen hours or so because there's nothing for us to do. It's a weird Catch-22 and it's entirely in my own head.
At the very least, I didn't spend Saturday night alone. I went out to Osaka and met Alex and another friend of his, Rachel. We didn't really "go" anywhere or "do" anything as much as we went out on the streets and spent the evening together. We found great amusement in people watching in Dotonbori (this trash collector and this apparent performance artist being two of the highlights) and enjoyed a delicious Western-style pizza at nearby Slices in Amerika-mura. Eventually we wandered into a cheapo karaoke joint that had shoddy drink service and questionable song selection but it more than made for it in price. I spent less than 1000 Yen for two hours which is an incredible bargain, especially for a Saturday night. Combine that with our policy of buying drinks in convenience stores rather than bars and we all managed to have a great night without spending much money at all.
Meanwhile, it's Monday again and I find myself still "single" and no closer to understanding when my life will completely change. Will the baby arrive in time for Father's Day? Will it be born during the week? Will it be born tomorrow? Perhaps that's what's keeping me up at night more than anything else. At least when I sleep next to Mako, I know that IF the baby decides to join us, I'll be right by her side. If the baby comes in the middle of the night and we're apart, well, I don't have a car and there are no trains...
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Labels: Alex, family, friends, Osaka, predicting the future, pregnancy
つづく...(Click here to read more)
Monday, June 01, 2009
Digital Life Management
For my 1000th blog post, I need to ask you readers a question: do I share too much?
I hope your answer is "no" because I don't feel that way at all, but I just recently ran into some Japanese Internet issues that forced me to think about what it is that I do, digitally speaking.
For starters, I picked this domain name in 2004 because it is a pun featuring my own last name. I subsequently went on to use feitclub as my username on a number of online forums and other websites (most of which are gathered on my contact page). It's a pretty thin veil of anonymity because I didn't really consider using my own name online to be a problem. Yet I can remember a lot of people being extremely nervous when they heard I was starting a blog and writing about myself on the Internet using my own name. They felt something about that was inherently dangerous and I couldn't understand why.
Flash forward to today and I live in a country where that attitude is widespread: Japan is afraid of the Internet. I had heard that before from What Japan Thinks but this article (and this recent non-controversy) really sum up the matter quite well. I had always assumed Japanese web pages sucked because they were designed with mobile phones in mind, but he argues that the real reason is a general distrust of the Internet as a medium. Fear of new technology isn't unheard of but sometimes I feel like Japan is almost trying to wait it out, as if the Internet is just going to go away someday.
This fear hit home not too long ago when Mako casually commanded me to never post a picture of our baby on the Internet. She said she had no objections to sending pictures to friends or family, but putting up a picture for everyone to see is apparently out of the question. When I asked why, all she could say was "It's my baby." I didn't argue because she is very pregnant right now and completely unstable, so she says a lot of things that don't make sense or at least contradict her own long-held opinions. At one point last month she said she never wanted to go to America again, but this weekend she couldn't stop talking about visiting Boston after seeing a TV special about the city (and its cuisine).
Even if she reverses herself or doesn't even remember making such a declaration, I am wondering if she is actually right. Between this blog, Twitter, and Facebook, I am producing a steady of stream of words and images featuring and starring me. My life is hardly an open book (there's plenty of stuff that cannot/should not be made public) but I offer the Internet a substantial look at my life. That's something I have chosen to do and I enjoy it. If nothing else, it's a fun exercise to keep myself writing and it serves as a record of what I'm up to should I ever need to recall what Mako and I ate on our first date. Mako is basically along for the ride, posing for silly pictures knowing full well they will end up on the Internet. However, it will be years before our son is old enough to grasp what the hell an Internet is. Is it right to simply decide that he is on board with all this?
Allow me to answer my own question, because I just realized I'm looking at this the wrong way: Yes, it is OK for me to make these decisions for my son because I am his father. It's going to be my job to decide a lot of things concerning my son for decades. These decisions will run the gamut from trivial (i.e. choosing when we take family vacations) to fundamental (disciplining him if he steals something), and that will include encouraging him to embrace certain cultural phenomena that I enjoy. There's nothing sinister or Orwellian about it; in fact, the reason I know the word "Orwellian" is because my father gave me Animal Farm to read when I was in second grade.
Indeed, there were a lot of interests my father tried to pass on to me when I was growing up. My father loved baseball when I was a kid, and so did I. I would hope my son will learn to love it too (He doesn't have to love the Yankees, of course, just so long as he doesn't choose the Red Sox). My father was fascinated by history, especially military history. He took us to Civil War battlefields as a family and played strategic war games with his friends. He loved skiing and sailing. I didn't embrace all of these things, but I know that being exposed to all of them had an affect on me. I'm sure all the traveling we did encouraged me to visit Japan when I did.
As for me, I am not scared of the Internet and I hope my son grows up accepting it as a part of his life. He doesn't need to write his own blog or anything, but I don't want him to feel like the Internet represents some kind of threat to his privacy. Of course, I am not a dictator. These kinds of decisions will be made by the two of us and if Mako holds her ground, you may not be seeing any pictures of our son on the Internet at all. She has just as much right to shape our child as I do, and in the big picture this isn't something worth fighting over. It's not like she'll be raising him as a Luddite. Whatever happens, I hope my son will at least come to view the Internet as something that can be both fun and useful. After all, no matter where he decides to live in the future, he will need to use it to keep in touch with half of his family. I don't want that to become a chore that he loathes.
つづく...(Click here to read more)
I hope your answer is "no" because I don't feel that way at all, but I just recently ran into some Japanese Internet issues that forced me to think about what it is that I do, digitally speaking.
For starters, I picked this domain name in 2004 because it is a pun featuring my own last name. I subsequently went on to use feitclub as my username on a number of online forums and other websites (most of which are gathered on my contact page). It's a pretty thin veil of anonymity because I didn't really consider using my own name online to be a problem. Yet I can remember a lot of people being extremely nervous when they heard I was starting a blog and writing about myself on the Internet using my own name. They felt something about that was inherently dangerous and I couldn't understand why.
Flash forward to today and I live in a country where that attitude is widespread: Japan is afraid of the Internet. I had heard that before from What Japan Thinks but this article (and this recent non-controversy) really sum up the matter quite well. I had always assumed Japanese web pages sucked because they were designed with mobile phones in mind, but he argues that the real reason is a general distrust of the Internet as a medium. Fear of new technology isn't unheard of but sometimes I feel like Japan is almost trying to wait it out, as if the Internet is just going to go away someday.
This fear hit home not too long ago when Mako casually commanded me to never post a picture of our baby on the Internet. She said she had no objections to sending pictures to friends or family, but putting up a picture for everyone to see is apparently out of the question. When I asked why, all she could say was "It's my baby." I didn't argue because she is very pregnant right now and completely unstable, so she says a lot of things that don't make sense or at least contradict her own long-held opinions. At one point last month she said she never wanted to go to America again, but this weekend she couldn't stop talking about visiting Boston after seeing a TV special about the city (and its cuisine).
Even if she reverses herself or doesn't even remember making such a declaration, I am wondering if she is actually right. Between this blog, Twitter, and Facebook, I am producing a steady of stream of words and images featuring and starring me. My life is hardly an open book (there's plenty of stuff that cannot/should not be made public) but I offer the Internet a substantial look at my life. That's something I have chosen to do and I enjoy it. If nothing else, it's a fun exercise to keep myself writing and it serves as a record of what I'm up to should I ever need to recall what Mako and I ate on our first date. Mako is basically along for the ride, posing for silly pictures knowing full well they will end up on the Internet. However, it will be years before our son is old enough to grasp what the hell an Internet is. Is it right to simply decide that he is on board with all this?
Allow me to answer my own question, because I just realized I'm looking at this the wrong way: Yes, it is OK for me to make these decisions for my son because I am his father. It's going to be my job to decide a lot of things concerning my son for decades. These decisions will run the gamut from trivial (i.e. choosing when we take family vacations) to fundamental (disciplining him if he steals something), and that will include encouraging him to embrace certain cultural phenomena that I enjoy. There's nothing sinister or Orwellian about it; in fact, the reason I know the word "Orwellian" is because my father gave me Animal Farm to read when I was in second grade.
Indeed, there were a lot of interests my father tried to pass on to me when I was growing up. My father loved baseball when I was a kid, and so did I. I would hope my son will learn to love it too (He doesn't have to love the Yankees, of course, just so long as he doesn't choose the Red Sox). My father was fascinated by history, especially military history. He took us to Civil War battlefields as a family and played strategic war games with his friends. He loved skiing and sailing. I didn't embrace all of these things, but I know that being exposed to all of them had an affect on me. I'm sure all the traveling we did encouraged me to visit Japan when I did.
As for me, I am not scared of the Internet and I hope my son grows up accepting it as a part of his life. He doesn't need to write his own blog or anything, but I don't want him to feel like the Internet represents some kind of threat to his privacy. Of course, I am not a dictator. These kinds of decisions will be made by the two of us and if Mako holds her ground, you may not be seeing any pictures of our son on the Internet at all. She has just as much right to shape our child as I do, and in the big picture this isn't something worth fighting over. It's not like she'll be raising him as a Luddite. Whatever happens, I hope my son will at least come to view the Internet as something that can be both fun and useful. After all, no matter where he decides to live in the future, he will need to use it to keep in touch with half of his family. I don't want that to become a chore that he loathes.
Labels: family, Internet issues, Japan, marriage, pregnancy, site news
つづく...(Click here to read more)
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Bit o' the Business
Looks like I picked the wrong week to start writing again.
First of all, Happy Birthday to The Trout. I know you were just here and I did pay for those burgers, but I still feel like I owe you a respectable birthday gift. After all, you didn't "keep" those burgers for more than an hour, tops.
Secondly, I had no time to sit down and write about stuff last week, but it's looking like I've got no time to sit down and write about stuff this week either. I've got a couple non-personal things in progress right now, but even if I upload one of those it won't offer much insight into me...which is kind of the goal of the blog.
Part of the problem has been me being awfully busy at work, as nearly every school has increased their English classes. It feels a bit hollow because they basically let April go with relatively few lessons and many schools continue to slack in the preparation department, meaning that I spend more time in the classroom but don't accomplish anything more than I did before. But that's irrelevant, frankly, because I am working more which means I'm writing less.
Also, things at home are getting...rocky. I'm not going to point any fingers or complain, but instead I'm just going to say this loud and clear: THANK JEBUS I CANNOT GET PREGNANT. It is obvious to me that the physical burden of carrying a baby would break my brain and warp my personality, because that's exactly what it's doing to Mako and she is way stronger than I am, emotionally speaking. She has also come down with a cold (a nasty one too), pouring gas on the already raging "I feel like hell" inferno.
So I come home after a long day at work and then I must contend with a completely unpredictable pregnant wife. Is she mad at me about something, or simply not feeling well enough to get out of bed? I never know and Mako, for whatever reason, will never say which issue is vexing her. Regardless of her mood, Mako needs more help and I simply cannot lounge on the Internet like I used to.
The good news is that Mako is going back to her parents' house for a few weeks...or maybe a couple months, depending on how soon this baby arrives and how the delivery goes. Once she's there, she can relax because her mother will take care of her and I can relax because I know she's got folks watching her all day. When she's here, I know Mako pushes herself way too hard. She is constantly cleaning things, things that in no way demand the attention she lavishes upon them. When she felt better, it didn't matter as much because she had all day to do as she pleased. Now, her energy is severely depleted but that still won't stop her from walking to the farther supermarket or scrubbing the tub on all fours. No way her mom will allow that kind of nonsense under her roof.
Once the "move" is over, I'll have more to do at home but I'll also have more time to do as I please. That means more gaming and more writing (not necessarily in that order). It'll be like a quick return to bachelorhood before that baby changes everything. Until then, I'm indisposed. My apologies.
つづく...(Click here to read more)
First of all, Happy Birthday to The Trout. I know you were just here and I did pay for those burgers, but I still feel like I owe you a respectable birthday gift. After all, you didn't "keep" those burgers for more than an hour, tops.
Secondly, I had no time to sit down and write about stuff last week, but it's looking like I've got no time to sit down and write about stuff this week either. I've got a couple non-personal things in progress right now, but even if I upload one of those it won't offer much insight into me...which is kind of the goal of the blog.
Part of the problem has been me being awfully busy at work, as nearly every school has increased their English classes. It feels a bit hollow because they basically let April go with relatively few lessons and many schools continue to slack in the preparation department, meaning that I spend more time in the classroom but don't accomplish anything more than I did before. But that's irrelevant, frankly, because I am working more which means I'm writing less.
Also, things at home are getting...rocky. I'm not going to point any fingers or complain, but instead I'm just going to say this loud and clear: THANK JEBUS I CANNOT GET PREGNANT. It is obvious to me that the physical burden of carrying a baby would break my brain and warp my personality, because that's exactly what it's doing to Mako and she is way stronger than I am, emotionally speaking. She has also come down with a cold (a nasty one too), pouring gas on the already raging "I feel like hell" inferno.
So I come home after a long day at work and then I must contend with a completely unpredictable pregnant wife. Is she mad at me about something, or simply not feeling well enough to get out of bed? I never know and Mako, for whatever reason, will never say which issue is vexing her. Regardless of her mood, Mako needs more help and I simply cannot lounge on the Internet like I used to.
The good news is that Mako is going back to her parents' house for a few weeks...or maybe a couple months, depending on how soon this baby arrives and how the delivery goes. Once she's there, she can relax because her mother will take care of her and I can relax because I know she's got folks watching her all day. When she's here, I know Mako pushes herself way too hard. She is constantly cleaning things, things that in no way demand the attention she lavishes upon them. When she felt better, it didn't matter as much because she had all day to do as she pleased. Now, her energy is severely depleted but that still won't stop her from walking to the farther supermarket or scrubbing the tub on all fours. No way her mom will allow that kind of nonsense under her roof.
Once the "move" is over, I'll have more to do at home but I'll also have more time to do as I please. That means more gaming and more writing (not necessarily in that order). It'll be like a quick return to bachelorhood before that baby changes everything. Until then, I'm indisposed. My apologies.
Labels: family, pregnancy, teaching, Trout
つづく...(Click here to read more)
Monday, March 23, 2009
Feit SMASH!
Spring is just lurking around the corner here in Japan but after a lovely weekend of 60 degree weather, it seems to have taken a few steps backward. It looks to be a cold, cloudy week of unappealing weather. That's OK, I can take it, but I hope those cherry blossoms start poppin' soon. I want to see that beautiful side of Japan again!
I thought about expanding on my all too brief review of The Incredible Hulk today, but the more I think about the movie, the more I realize it's just not worth the effort. If they didn't really care about the final product, why should I bother elaborating on exactly why the movie isn't very good? In the end, the film obviously aspired to be nothing more than a mediocre replacement for the awful Hulk film from 2003. They reached for the middle ground and they got there. Mission accomplished: your movie isn't worth watching.
Movies are definitely on my mind because it's been a while since I hit the theaters. I missed Benjamin Button because Mako strung me along: she insisted she wanted to see it so I waited for her, but when it came time to go she said she wasn't that interested and she couldn't sit through a three hour film. I'm not mad, of course, but I'm a little disappointed that she didn't just admit to me earlier that she wasn't going to watch it. I can feel her pulling the same stunt with Valkyrie and Watchmen as we speak - when I ask her she says she wants to go, but when I suggest a time and a place she backs down. Does she just not want me going to the theater without her? It doesn't seem fair to wait for weeks/months for these films to come to Japan and then have Mako decide that I'm waiting another four months until they come out on DVD.
I guess I need to write more about the unborn baby because it's all people ask me about when they call or write. The baby hasn't gone anywhere folks, he's right where I left him. He continues to grow and physically abuse Mako's insides. At this point, when he kicks her I can feel it without actually touching her belly. Just lying in bed next to Mako is enough to pick up on the shockwaves. It looks like our baby is The Juggernaut. At least I know what to name him now: Cain.
That's a joke, of course, which reminds me: no, I'm not telling anyone what the baby's name is going to be. We've pretty much secured a single choice after culling so many options from a variety of cultures. Mako can be very stubborn and, whether she's kidding or not, she has been pushing for "Daniel" since the fall. For some reason, I was able to let go of my suggestions that she shot down ("sorry my boy, your mother wouldn't let me name you Akira") but she will not stop with "Daniel," "Junior," or worst of all "D.J." If my son wants to be a DJ when he grows up, he can spin all the records he wants. But I'll be damned if his birth certificate is going to have two initials where his name should be.
OK, I can feel this post getting nasty, so let's end on an upbeat note. Last night I successfully earned a trophy in PixelJunk Eden for completing an entire garden in less than ten minutes. I beat it with just five seconds to spare. I welcome any and all congratulatory comments, e-mails, telegrams, and chocolates.
つづく...(Click here to read more)
I thought about expanding on my all too brief review of The Incredible Hulk today, but the more I think about the movie, the more I realize it's just not worth the effort. If they didn't really care about the final product, why should I bother elaborating on exactly why the movie isn't very good? In the end, the film obviously aspired to be nothing more than a mediocre replacement for the awful Hulk film from 2003. They reached for the middle ground and they got there. Mission accomplished: your movie isn't worth watching.
Movies are definitely on my mind because it's been a while since I hit the theaters. I missed Benjamin Button because Mako strung me along: she insisted she wanted to see it so I waited for her, but when it came time to go she said she wasn't that interested and she couldn't sit through a three hour film. I'm not mad, of course, but I'm a little disappointed that she didn't just admit to me earlier that she wasn't going to watch it. I can feel her pulling the same stunt with Valkyrie and Watchmen as we speak - when I ask her she says she wants to go, but when I suggest a time and a place she backs down. Does she just not want me going to the theater without her? It doesn't seem fair to wait for weeks/months for these films to come to Japan and then have Mako decide that I'm waiting another four months until they come out on DVD.
I guess I need to write more about the unborn baby because it's all people ask me about when they call or write. The baby hasn't gone anywhere folks, he's right where I left him. He continues to grow and physically abuse Mako's insides. At this point, when he kicks her I can feel it without actually touching her belly. Just lying in bed next to Mako is enough to pick up on the shockwaves. It looks like our baby is The Juggernaut. At least I know what to name him now: Cain.
That's a joke, of course, which reminds me: no, I'm not telling anyone what the baby's name is going to be. We've pretty much secured a single choice after culling so many options from a variety of cultures. Mako can be very stubborn and, whether she's kidding or not, she has been pushing for "Daniel" since the fall. For some reason, I was able to let go of my suggestions that she shot down ("sorry my boy, your mother wouldn't let me name you Akira") but she will not stop with "Daniel," "Junior," or worst of all "D.J." If my son wants to be a DJ when he grows up, he can spin all the records he wants. But I'll be damned if his birth certificate is going to have two initials where his name should be.
OK, I can feel this post getting nasty, so let's end on an upbeat note. Last night I successfully earned a trophy in PixelJunk Eden for completing an entire garden in less than ten minutes. I beat it with just five seconds to spare. I welcome any and all congratulatory comments, e-mails, telegrams, and chocolates.
Labels: comic books, marriage, movies, PixelJunk, pregnancy, video games
つづく...(Click here to read more)
Saturday, March 07, 2009
Chromosomal Coin-Flip Complete
We could have gone outside today, with the rain having let up and having no particular plans, but it turns out Mako and I couldn't come up with a good enough reason to get ourselves out the door. It's OK, since I had so much to do in recent weekends, it was nice to have a quiet day at home for just the two of us. Well, three if you include the TV.
I'm kidding! Three includes the tiny baby gestating inside Mako's womb. As of yesterday's doctor visit I can finally declare...it's (going to be) a boy! I know, huge surprise right? I mean it was either a boy or a girl - there were no real third options. Anyway, I'm thrilled to finally have a proper pronoun to use for the baby instead of "it." You just can't fall in love with an "it." There's an affection gap that saying "he" or "she" erases.
I was surprised at how much time I spent on Skype this afternoon. First The Trout called and we spoke about, um, everything for a good two hours. Then Chad called while we were watching the World Baseball Classic (Japan beat Korea in a rout). And just as we were preparing for bath and bed, my mother called! It's great to catch up with so many people but after a few hours my headphones really pinch my ears.
There was one outrageous thing on TV today that I can't just let go. I expressed my anger via Twitter but that's just not enough. We were watching a special about the new Yatterman film which is based on a old Japanese cartoon. One of the film's stars flew to New York for a screening and also did a bit of asking around about the popularity of anime/manga in the United States. Now while Yatterman is no household name in America, there are certainly a few Japanese titles that are getting quite big. Hell, that awful-looking Dragonball movie is only a week or so away. It's actually opening in Japan ahead of the US, a fact that actually drives me nuts when you consider how many movies sit in limbo while I wait for them to open on these shores.
OK, I'm digressing. No more anger about movie release dates. Today I was angry about a quasi-interview with some guy concerning the rapid growth of Japanese comics and animation in America. This stuffed suit actually had the temerity to claim that the rise in interest had something to do with the September 11th attacks. If I had been drinking a beverage I would have spit it out in total disbelief. I know "9/11 changed everything" but are you fucking crazy? Comic books? No, no, no.
It's pretty simple: Japanese stuff has been slowly building an audience in the US over the past twenty years. When my friends and I were buying poorly-dubbed VHS tapes of Fist of the North Star and Golgo 13, we were simply ahead of the curve. By the time I was in college there was a full-fledged anime club. And before the millennium there were already regular TV airings of Dragonball Z and Pokemon all over American television. You don't need to be a media expert or a marketing genius to figure out what happens next: popular imported entertainment breeds more importing. But you do need to be a total asshole to imply that the long-term entertainment needs of children were somehow influenced by the murder of 3000 people in a national tragedy.
Yes, I know this guy was only doing his job as a shill in trying to over-hype the importance of manga in the US and this clueless schmuck has the same bad habits we all do in trying to attribute greater meaning to unexplainable phenomena. You won the lottery? It wasn't chance, it was a MIRACLE, I know...but my rage is pretty straightforward. Linking massive destruction and an upswing of interest in Naruto is beyond irresponsible. It's tasteless and downright rude. Obviously the Japanese broadcasters didn't bat an eye because 9/11 just isn't thought of in the same way around here. They don't even mention it on the "history timelines" I see in elementary schools, despite prominent inclusion of the atomic bomb droppings and the...2002 World Cup coming to Asia?!?
Dammit Japan, can't you take anything seriously?
Tonight's meandering message was yet another Write or Die collaboration.
つづく...(Click here to read more)
I'm kidding! Three includes the tiny baby gestating inside Mako's womb. As of yesterday's doctor visit I can finally declare...it's (going to be) a boy! I know, huge surprise right? I mean it was either a boy or a girl - there were no real third options. Anyway, I'm thrilled to finally have a proper pronoun to use for the baby instead of "it." You just can't fall in love with an "it." There's an affection gap that saying "he" or "she" erases.
I was surprised at how much time I spent on Skype this afternoon. First The Trout called and we spoke about, um, everything for a good two hours. Then Chad called while we were watching the World Baseball Classic (Japan beat Korea in a rout). And just as we were preparing for bath and bed, my mother called! It's great to catch up with so many people but after a few hours my headphones really pinch my ears.
There was one outrageous thing on TV today that I can't just let go. I expressed my anger via Twitter but that's just not enough. We were watching a special about the new Yatterman film which is based on a old Japanese cartoon. One of the film's stars flew to New York for a screening and also did a bit of asking around about the popularity of anime/manga in the United States. Now while Yatterman is no household name in America, there are certainly a few Japanese titles that are getting quite big. Hell, that awful-looking Dragonball movie is only a week or so away. It's actually opening in Japan ahead of the US, a fact that actually drives me nuts when you consider how many movies sit in limbo while I wait for them to open on these shores.
OK, I'm digressing. No more anger about movie release dates. Today I was angry about a quasi-interview with some guy concerning the rapid growth of Japanese comics and animation in America. This stuffed suit actually had the temerity to claim that the rise in interest had something to do with the September 11th attacks. If I had been drinking a beverage I would have spit it out in total disbelief. I know "9/11 changed everything" but are you fucking crazy? Comic books? No, no, no.
It's pretty simple: Japanese stuff has been slowly building an audience in the US over the past twenty years. When my friends and I were buying poorly-dubbed VHS tapes of Fist of the North Star and Golgo 13, we were simply ahead of the curve. By the time I was in college there was a full-fledged anime club. And before the millennium there were already regular TV airings of Dragonball Z and Pokemon all over American television. You don't need to be a media expert or a marketing genius to figure out what happens next: popular imported entertainment breeds more importing. But you do need to be a total asshole to imply that the long-term entertainment needs of children were somehow influenced by the murder of 3000 people in a national tragedy.
Yes, I know this guy was only doing his job as a shill in trying to over-hype the importance of manga in the US and this clueless schmuck has the same bad habits we all do in trying to attribute greater meaning to unexplainable phenomena. You won the lottery? It wasn't chance, it was a MIRACLE, I know...but my rage is pretty straightforward. Linking massive destruction and an upswing of interest in Naruto is beyond irresponsible. It's tasteless and downright rude. Obviously the Japanese broadcasters didn't bat an eye because 9/11 just isn't thought of in the same way around here. They don't even mention it on the "history timelines" I see in elementary schools, despite prominent inclusion of the atomic bomb droppings and the...2002 World Cup coming to Asia?!?
Dammit Japan, can't you take anything seriously?
Tonight's meandering message was yet another Write or Die collaboration.
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Labels: anime, family, Japan, manga, pregnancy, Write or Die
つづく...(Click here to read more)
Sunday, February 08, 2009
Label Maker
Mako went to the doctor on Friday expecting to receive a new picture of our baby and possibly find out whether we are expecting a boy or a girl. Unfortunately, she got neither. All is well otherwise, but we were hoping to finally choose a name for the baby already. Every day we continue to refer to it as an "it" or "DJ" makes me feel that much more insulated from the reality of this. I want to stop tiptoeing around the details and start getting psyched about my kid, and thinking about "DJ" just doesn't do it for me.
Another reason I'm eager to give our baby a name is the long elimination process Mako and I went through to narrow our options down to two finalists. Much to my surprise, we had exactly the opposite philosophy regarding DJ's names. As hard as I lobbied for a Japanese name, Mako wanted to a more Western name that might also pass for Japanese (but not necessarily). So for every Nobu or Nozomi I suggested, Mako wanted an Amy or, believe it or not, Daniel. She never explained why she was so disinterested in Japanese names although she did dismiss a number of my ideas as "too old-fashioned." Guess there aren't many babies named Masamune these days.
From my perspective, I feel it's important to give our child a Japanese name because he or she is already getting my Western last name. Even though we have yet to decide where DJ will go to school, I feel that it would be incredibly unfair to expect a Michael Feit to fit in around here. At least a Japanese name would would give him/her a chance. If DJ grows up in the States, then an all Western name would obscure his Japanese heritage. It's not that I think everyone needs to wear their national backgrounds on their sleeve, but a little acknowledgment to the past is nice. There also won't be any middle names to fill that option, because middle names are too cumbersome to deal with in Japan. I can't tell you how many forms I've had to re-write over here because I neglected to write my middle name down. They just don't understand its symbolic, superfluous nature and insist that leaving it unwritten means I am somehow not the same person my that identification says I am.
Then again, Japanese customs may render my naming ideas moot. The occasions where Japanese people actually use each other's first names are stunningly rare. Whether it's children on the playground or students in college or colleagues at work, family names are the primary method of identification. It if weren't for name tags and staff lists, I wouldn't even know any of my coworkers' first names and the ones I know I still don't get to use. Mako spent years working in a hotel but everyone always used her last name right up until her farewell party last year, without bothering to change when she got married and took my name. Hell, sometimes Mako refers to her sister's husband by his last name, which actually isn't his name anymore by way of a long story I don't completely understand.
So there's a chance that no matter what, my son or daughter will just be known as Feit...just like me. I guess I can live with that, but that still doesn't mean I'm naming my kid Junior. There's plenty of room for more Feits in the world, but one Daniel Feit will do in this family.
つづく...(Click here to read more)
Another reason I'm eager to give our baby a name is the long elimination process Mako and I went through to narrow our options down to two finalists. Much to my surprise, we had exactly the opposite philosophy regarding DJ's names. As hard as I lobbied for a Japanese name, Mako wanted to a more Western name that might also pass for Japanese (but not necessarily). So for every Nobu or Nozomi I suggested, Mako wanted an Amy or, believe it or not, Daniel. She never explained why she was so disinterested in Japanese names although she did dismiss a number of my ideas as "too old-fashioned." Guess there aren't many babies named Masamune these days.
From my perspective, I feel it's important to give our child a Japanese name because he or she is already getting my Western last name. Even though we have yet to decide where DJ will go to school, I feel that it would be incredibly unfair to expect a Michael Feit to fit in around here. At least a Japanese name would would give him/her a chance. If DJ grows up in the States, then an all Western name would obscure his Japanese heritage. It's not that I think everyone needs to wear their national backgrounds on their sleeve, but a little acknowledgment to the past is nice. There also won't be any middle names to fill that option, because middle names are too cumbersome to deal with in Japan. I can't tell you how many forms I've had to re-write over here because I neglected to write my middle name down. They just don't understand its symbolic, superfluous nature and insist that leaving it unwritten means I am somehow not the same person my that identification says I am.
Then again, Japanese customs may render my naming ideas moot. The occasions where Japanese people actually use each other's first names are stunningly rare. Whether it's children on the playground or students in college or colleagues at work, family names are the primary method of identification. It if weren't for name tags and staff lists, I wouldn't even know any of my coworkers' first names and the ones I know I still don't get to use. Mako spent years working in a hotel but everyone always used her last name right up until her farewell party last year, without bothering to change when she got married and took my name. Hell, sometimes Mako refers to her sister's husband by his last name, which actually isn't his name anymore by way of a long story I don't completely understand.
So there's a chance that no matter what, my son or daughter will just be known as Feit...just like me. I guess I can live with that, but that still doesn't mean I'm naming my kid Junior. There's plenty of room for more Feits in the world, but one Daniel Feit will do in this family.
Labels: family, Japan, predicting the future, pregnancy
つづく...(Click here to read more)
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Feels Like Progress
As January comes to a close and the deep chill of February creeps ever closer, things are really heating up at work. I had ten classes plus an extended meeting in one 48-hour period, more responsibilities than I had all of last week. With next week looking just as hectic I am very tired but at the same time relieved to be doing my part. Too much idle time in the office (especially a Japanese office) makes me feel like a freeloader.
Speaking of freeloaders, my unborn child is still loafing around the womb and doing a number on Mako's insides. She had a few weeks where DJ was relatively dormant and her spirits were up as a result, but lately he or she has started squirming and kicking which leaves her feeling tired much more often. It's not as bad as it was in the first trimester - she's not sleeping in as much nor is she chained to the couch when I get home - but the suddenly energetic DJ has certainly sapped some of her strength. Sadly, DJ is still too small for me to feel anything with my hand, but that hasn't stopped me from constantly groping Mako's belly in the hope of getting some sensation of movement in there.
Getting back to the subject of getting back to work, I have to admit that conditions at school are showing signs of real improvement. After my optimism last semester was soundly smashed, I couldn't help but head into this semester with a sense of pessimism. It wasn't so bad as to sour me on this job, because if it was I wouldn't have requested a new contract, but it hung over my winter break and left me feeling uneasy about the prospect of going back to work. Instead, this semester's English plans were quickly distributed to all schools and the materials I needed were (almost) entirely printed and prepared in advance of my first day. After we had another demonstration lesson yesterday we had a long meeting and several teachers said how important it is to have the homeroom teacher be more active in English class rather than just let me (the assistant teacher by definition) handle everything. Even though I've heard this kind of talk since day one, the progress in lesson preparation makes me wonder if we might make progress in the classroom as well.
Personally I feel good about the progress I've made, both as a teacher and as a "presence" in these schools. Nearly all the students know me by name at this point and no one has called me any other names in months. I'm still sorely lacking in both the language and confidence department to truly integrate myself with my coworkers, but I'm doing a better job of just talking to other people whenever I'm sitting in the office. You'd be surprised at how many conversations I've had in recent weeks about Obama and the state of the American economy, considering I don't know enough about economics to discuss it in English let alone Japanese. I may never be able to completely fit in, especially since I'm spread across five different schools at this point, but the more people see me as a person rather than just an ALT - a commodity, a mercenary, a "striker" if you will - the better my professional relationships will be.
As far as the students go, I've found that language isn't as important as body language. I've been pushing myself to just do more, both in the classroom and in the hallways. Whether I'm having children repeat after me or just walking from class to class, I try to use as much motion as I possibly can. Waving my arms, clapping my hands, jumping up and down, even striking outrageous poses - I look ridiculous but it guarantees that the children notice me and pay more attention. This has also gone towards improving my relationship with the teachers because they are definitely impressed by my progress as a teacher and offering me a lot more compliments as a result.
So here I am, seventeen months into my tenure on JET and I'm actually starting to get used to it just as my coworkers are getting used to me. At this rate, I may actually be good at this job before my time is up. Imagine that!
つづく...(Click here to read more)
Speaking of freeloaders, my unborn child is still loafing around the womb and doing a number on Mako's insides. She had a few weeks where DJ was relatively dormant and her spirits were up as a result, but lately he or she has started squirming and kicking which leaves her feeling tired much more often. It's not as bad as it was in the first trimester - she's not sleeping in as much nor is she chained to the couch when I get home - but the suddenly energetic DJ has certainly sapped some of her strength. Sadly, DJ is still too small for me to feel anything with my hand, but that hasn't stopped me from constantly groping Mako's belly in the hope of getting some sensation of movement in there.
Getting back to the subject of getting back to work, I have to admit that conditions at school are showing signs of real improvement. After my optimism last semester was soundly smashed, I couldn't help but head into this semester with a sense of pessimism. It wasn't so bad as to sour me on this job, because if it was I wouldn't have requested a new contract, but it hung over my winter break and left me feeling uneasy about the prospect of going back to work. Instead, this semester's English plans were quickly distributed to all schools and the materials I needed were (almost) entirely printed and prepared in advance of my first day. After we had another demonstration lesson yesterday we had a long meeting and several teachers said how important it is to have the homeroom teacher be more active in English class rather than just let me (the assistant teacher by definition) handle everything. Even though I've heard this kind of talk since day one, the progress in lesson preparation makes me wonder if we might make progress in the classroom as well.
Personally I feel good about the progress I've made, both as a teacher and as a "presence" in these schools. Nearly all the students know me by name at this point and no one has called me any other names in months. I'm still sorely lacking in both the language and confidence department to truly integrate myself with my coworkers, but I'm doing a better job of just talking to other people whenever I'm sitting in the office. You'd be surprised at how many conversations I've had in recent weeks about Obama and the state of the American economy, considering I don't know enough about economics to discuss it in English let alone Japanese. I may never be able to completely fit in, especially since I'm spread across five different schools at this point, but the more people see me as a person rather than just an ALT - a commodity, a mercenary, a "striker" if you will - the better my professional relationships will be.
As far as the students go, I've found that language isn't as important as body language. I've been pushing myself to just do more, both in the classroom and in the hallways. Whether I'm having children repeat after me or just walking from class to class, I try to use as much motion as I possibly can. Waving my arms, clapping my hands, jumping up and down, even striking outrageous poses - I look ridiculous but it guarantees that the children notice me and pay more attention. This has also gone towards improving my relationship with the teachers because they are definitely impressed by my progress as a teacher and offering me a lot more compliments as a result.
So here I am, seventeen months into my tenure on JET and I'm actually starting to get used to it just as my coworkers are getting used to me. At this rate, I may actually be good at this job before my time is up. Imagine that!
Labels: Japan, JET, pregnancy, teaching
つづく...(Click here to read more)
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Hormonal Kombat
Two weeks in and 2009 is not exactly going to plan. Certain things are going well while other things are not. While I'm confident that the not-going-well things can be righted eventually, I must admit that I am somewhat vexed by the present situation.
Some of you (ok, one of you) wrote to me concerned about the tone of these recent tweets. If I sounded scared and worried it's because I was. Mako had come home from shopping last Wednesday and promptly shut me out. She spent the rest of the evening either laying on the couch or in bed, not speaking to me unless I asked her a direct question and then only managing one word responses. The next morning she continued her stand-offish behavior and only after I pushed her to tell me what was wrong did she admit that she wanted "to talk," insisting it would have to wait until after I came home from work. Her tone was so gloomy and she seemed so distant that I seriously feared the worst possible news, hence the gravity of those messages I posted.
The good, no, great news is that there is no crisis and Mako is almost entirely back to her normal, adorable self. The bad news is that her sour mood and sullen behavior was an off-the-wall reaction to me playing a video game, indicating that the love triangle I mentioned is apparently not blowing over and going away. Again, I must stress that things have cooled considerably since last week but the ease at which this non-issue erupted makes me a little anxious. Here is a woman who was more composed than I was at our emotional 2006 parting because she decided "don't cry," yet she was in tears last Thursday questioning my commitment to our marriage and the baby.
Having had enough time to process and reflect on all that was said, I think I'm able to better understand where she was coming from. Mako is going though an incredible transformation right now, one that I am physically incapable of comprehending. Of course I think about the baby constantly and I actively wonder about how well I will be able to handle the responsibilities heading my way, but that's no comparison to what Mako is dealing with every day. She's got that little monster tucked deep inside her, growing by the minute and making enormous demands towards that purpose. The resulting discomfort, both physical and emotional, is clearly beyond my understanding.
So it's important that I cut her some serious slack when it comes to irrational behavior and accusatory leaps of logic like what happened last week. Looking back, I can see that this incident was simply part of a larger pattern where she frets about the baby and openly doubts about our child-rearing skills, not just mine. Usually this attitude manifests itself as questions about the baby that range from sensible ("What if the baby is a boy?") to the unusual ("What if the baby is gay?") to downright insane ("What if the baby is Haruna Ai?"). I need to learn to forget about what happened just as easily as I laugh about the silly questions, because it's all coming from the same place: she's scared. I'm scared too, but she's simply closer to all of this so she's not going to be as logical about it as I can be.
つづく...(Click here to read more)
Some of you (ok, one of you) wrote to me concerned about the tone of these recent tweets. If I sounded scared and worried it's because I was. Mako had come home from shopping last Wednesday and promptly shut me out. She spent the rest of the evening either laying on the couch or in bed, not speaking to me unless I asked her a direct question and then only managing one word responses. The next morning she continued her stand-offish behavior and only after I pushed her to tell me what was wrong did she admit that she wanted "to talk," insisting it would have to wait until after I came home from work. Her tone was so gloomy and she seemed so distant that I seriously feared the worst possible news, hence the gravity of those messages I posted.
The good, no, great news is that there is no crisis and Mako is almost entirely back to her normal, adorable self. The bad news is that her sour mood and sullen behavior was an off-the-wall reaction to me playing a video game, indicating that the love triangle I mentioned is apparently not blowing over and going away. Again, I must stress that things have cooled considerably since last week but the ease at which this non-issue erupted makes me a little anxious. Here is a woman who was more composed than I was at our emotional 2006 parting because she decided "don't cry," yet she was in tears last Thursday questioning my commitment to our marriage and the baby.
Having had enough time to process and reflect on all that was said, I think I'm able to better understand where she was coming from. Mako is going though an incredible transformation right now, one that I am physically incapable of comprehending. Of course I think about the baby constantly and I actively wonder about how well I will be able to handle the responsibilities heading my way, but that's no comparison to what Mako is dealing with every day. She's got that little monster tucked deep inside her, growing by the minute and making enormous demands towards that purpose. The resulting discomfort, both physical and emotional, is clearly beyond my understanding.
So it's important that I cut her some serious slack when it comes to irrational behavior and accusatory leaps of logic like what happened last week. Looking back, I can see that this incident was simply part of a larger pattern where she frets about the baby and openly doubts about our child-rearing skills, not just mine. Usually this attitude manifests itself as questions about the baby that range from sensible ("What if the baby is a boy?") to the unusual ("What if the baby is gay?") to downright insane ("What if the baby is Haruna Ai?"). I need to learn to forget about what happened just as easily as I laugh about the silly questions, because it's all coming from the same place: she's scared. I'm scared too, but she's simply closer to all of this so she's not going to be as logical about it as I can be.
Labels: family, marriage, pregnancy, video games
つづく...(Click here to read more)
Monday, January 05, 2009
Cue the Ennio Morricone music
Just over a year into my marriage, it seems we are facing our first major test as a couple. A kind of love triangle has emerged: there's me, there's Mako, and there's the PS3. Or at least, that's how Mako sees things.
Let me back up a little bit. I bought my PS3 early last Spring after we got ourselves a new widescreen TV. After an extended hiatus from video games, I was back on board with a bright, shiny, new console. But even though I bought Grand Theft Auto IV right away and spent the rest of 2008 grappling with PixelJunk Monsters, PixelJunk Eden and Bionic Commando: Rearmed, my gaming habits were still very much in the background. Part of this was Mako's work schedule which allowed me time to play before she got home, but mostly it was the nature of those games. I don't want to get into the whole "casual vs hardcore" nonsense that surrounds video game culture right now, but all of those titles I mentioned are extremely easy to pick up or put down. A spare twenty or even ten minutes is all I need to get a satisfying dose. I suspect that was a big reason I never fully embraced the impressive GTAIV because I was unwilling (or unable) to really commit an evening to the story and the lengthy gameplay sessions that go with it.
In the last week, however, a new development has come up: Resistance 2. Richard bought me the game as a Christmas present while getting a copy for himself because the game has been lauded for its online cooperative mode. Up to eight people can join together and fight hordes of monsters and the catch is that the gameplay is centered around teamwork. By that, I mean that each player chooses one of three different units (soldier, medic, special ops) and they must work together to survive - no unit is strong enough to fight alone. As a game enthusiast who has always resisted online competitive battles because I'm not good enough to defeat strangers, the opportunity to really be part of a team and fill a specific role was instantly appealing. There's also an RPG element to the game as your chosen unit will gain experience and "level up" as you play. After just one session, even though we failed, I was hooked.
As you might already suspect, a team-based eight-player cooperative shooter does not allow for quick sessions. Between starting the game, logging onto the network, joining a party of my friends, and finding an available session (or starting one of our own), that's at least six or seven minutes. Finishing one stage takes at least fifteen minutes and can easily take much, much longer. Gaining enough experience to level up takes even longer still: on one late-night session I spent three hours on the game and I only advanced one level during that time.
Even though I tend to play when Mako is out or asleep, she has taken notice of my sudden interest in this game and the PS3 in general. I can understand her reservations and her surprise, because this is the first time in our entire relationship that I've exhibited this kind of behavior. What I can't understand is her reaction - it varies between silent rage and self-doubt. For some reason she seems to feel threatened by my interest in games. She has accused me of playing "nothing but games" on a day where we spent hours together shopping at the mall, eating lunch and watching a Keanu Reeves movie just because she loves him (spoiler alert: it's not too good). She has actually asked me whether I love the PS3 more than her - or the baby. She wants to know if I will ignore our future infant's needs because I'm playing a video game. No amount of reassurance or denials on my part seems to persuade her otherwise.
From my perspective, I feel unfairly pressured by all her dramatic behavior. I recognize that too much game playing is a selfish dick move in a small apartment with one TV that must be shared (regardless of our marital status), but despite her hyperbole this game is not dominating my time or infringing on the attention I spend on her. Most of my playtime has come when Mako is asleep, and when she is awake I always ask her if she minds if I play before turning on the machine. What I've learned is that even when she says "Yes" she sometimes means "No." I really don't appreciate the deception or the notion that playing a game is somehow "wrong" instead of watching TV or using the Internet, our usual nighttime activities.
Obviously, this is a new issue and things will take time to settle. No major action is needed and no confrontations are forthcoming. We're just going to have to wait and see how this matter resolves. The only thing that worries me is this sensation I have that she doesn't even want to talk about the problem and that's a much bigger problem than anything that's happened thus far.
つづく...(Click here to read more)
Let me back up a little bit. I bought my PS3 early last Spring after we got ourselves a new widescreen TV. After an extended hiatus from video games, I was back on board with a bright, shiny, new console. But even though I bought Grand Theft Auto IV right away and spent the rest of 2008 grappling with PixelJunk Monsters, PixelJunk Eden and Bionic Commando: Rearmed, my gaming habits were still very much in the background. Part of this was Mako's work schedule which allowed me time to play before she got home, but mostly it was the nature of those games. I don't want to get into the whole "casual vs hardcore" nonsense that surrounds video game culture right now, but all of those titles I mentioned are extremely easy to pick up or put down. A spare twenty or even ten minutes is all I need to get a satisfying dose. I suspect that was a big reason I never fully embraced the impressive GTAIV because I was unwilling (or unable) to really commit an evening to the story and the lengthy gameplay sessions that go with it.
In the last week, however, a new development has come up: Resistance 2. Richard bought me the game as a Christmas present while getting a copy for himself because the game has been lauded for its online cooperative mode. Up to eight people can join together and fight hordes of monsters and the catch is that the gameplay is centered around teamwork. By that, I mean that each player chooses one of three different units (soldier, medic, special ops) and they must work together to survive - no unit is strong enough to fight alone. As a game enthusiast who has always resisted online competitive battles because I'm not good enough to defeat strangers, the opportunity to really be part of a team and fill a specific role was instantly appealing. There's also an RPG element to the game as your chosen unit will gain experience and "level up" as you play. After just one session, even though we failed, I was hooked.
As you might already suspect, a team-based eight-player cooperative shooter does not allow for quick sessions. Between starting the game, logging onto the network, joining a party of my friends, and finding an available session (or starting one of our own), that's at least six or seven minutes. Finishing one stage takes at least fifteen minutes and can easily take much, much longer. Gaining enough experience to level up takes even longer still: on one late-night session I spent three hours on the game and I only advanced one level during that time.
Even though I tend to play when Mako is out or asleep, she has taken notice of my sudden interest in this game and the PS3 in general. I can understand her reservations and her surprise, because this is the first time in our entire relationship that I've exhibited this kind of behavior. What I can't understand is her reaction - it varies between silent rage and self-doubt. For some reason she seems to feel threatened by my interest in games. She has accused me of playing "nothing but games" on a day where we spent hours together shopping at the mall, eating lunch and watching a Keanu Reeves movie just because she loves him (spoiler alert: it's not too good). She has actually asked me whether I love the PS3 more than her - or the baby. She wants to know if I will ignore our future infant's needs because I'm playing a video game. No amount of reassurance or denials on my part seems to persuade her otherwise.
From my perspective, I feel unfairly pressured by all her dramatic behavior. I recognize that too much game playing is a selfish dick move in a small apartment with one TV that must be shared (regardless of our marital status), but despite her hyperbole this game is not dominating my time or infringing on the attention I spend on her. Most of my playtime has come when Mako is asleep, and when she is awake I always ask her if she minds if I play before turning on the machine. What I've learned is that even when she says "Yes" she sometimes means "No." I really don't appreciate the deception or the notion that playing a game is somehow "wrong" instead of watching TV or using the Internet, our usual nighttime activities.
Obviously, this is a new issue and things will take time to settle. No major action is needed and no confrontations are forthcoming. We're just going to have to wait and see how this matter resolves. The only thing that worries me is this sensation I have that she doesn't even want to talk about the problem and that's a much bigger problem than anything that's happened thus far.
Labels: family, marriage, pregnancy, PS3, Resistance 2, video games
つづく...(Click here to read more)
Thursday, January 01, 2009
To The Nines!
I know most of you readers are only just beginning to consider your New Year's Eve plans, but for me it is New Year's Eve. Right now. No, I'm didn't go anywhere. Even if Mako wasn't pregnant and taking it easy, in Japan this night is best spent at home. If my "boys" were here we'd find a party to rock but seeing as how it's just me, I chose to drink at home and enjoy grown men torturing themselves for my amusement.
It's a few minutes into 2009. This awkward sounding number has prompted me to look back at the other -9 years I've experienced. In 1979 my sister was born. At the time I wasn't too thrilled about it but in the long run this has proved to be a very fortunate event in my life. In 1989 I first attended the CTY summer program and after some initial discomfort, I learned to fully embrace the opportunity to study and explore topics that interested me in a rewarding, supportive environment. As much as I loathed regular school, that's exactly how much I loved CTY. In 1999 I moved out my temporary basement hell-hole and into my first real apartment. I would spend five years in that apartment and, while I never fully accepted it as a "home," it was the closest I've ever come to truly living on my own.
So what can we say about 2009? Much like 2008, I will probably spent the entirety of the year living in Japan with only the occasional trip overseas. I foresee no major employment or residential shifts - this job and the apartment that comes with it are both entirely satisfactory. I'm hoping 2009 is the first year I will get to see some of my very close friends pay me a visit here in Japan because I'm eager to share what I love about this country with guests, but that's not up to me and the weak dollar isn't going to make things very easy on American tourists.
But who am I kidding? 2009 is going to be the year my first child is born, and that's an automatic Best Year Ever marker. Normally I'm more of the reflective "this was a good year" type rather than the optimistic "this is going to be an awesome year" type, but we all know childbirth is one of those game-changing life events that people get gooey about for decades, even when their little babies are fully grown. I can't say I'll be thrilled handling a baby and responding to its every need, but I know what this baby means to me and Mako and I.
So once again, Happy New Year and I look forward to seeing everyone again. Hope your year is as good as mine looks.
つづく...(Click here to read more)
It's a few minutes into 2009. This awkward sounding number has prompted me to look back at the other -9 years I've experienced. In 1979 my sister was born. At the time I wasn't too thrilled about it but in the long run this has proved to be a very fortunate event in my life. In 1989 I first attended the CTY summer program and after some initial discomfort, I learned to fully embrace the opportunity to study and explore topics that interested me in a rewarding, supportive environment. As much as I loathed regular school, that's exactly how much I loved CTY. In 1999 I moved out my temporary basement hell-hole and into my first real apartment. I would spend five years in that apartment and, while I never fully accepted it as a "home," it was the closest I've ever come to truly living on my own.
So what can we say about 2009? Much like 2008, I will probably spent the entirety of the year living in Japan with only the occasional trip overseas. I foresee no major employment or residential shifts - this job and the apartment that comes with it are both entirely satisfactory. I'm hoping 2009 is the first year I will get to see some of my very close friends pay me a visit here in Japan because I'm eager to share what I love about this country with guests, but that's not up to me and the weak dollar isn't going to make things very easy on American tourists.
But who am I kidding? 2009 is going to be the year my first child is born, and that's an automatic Best Year Ever marker. Normally I'm more of the reflective "this was a good year" type rather than the optimistic "this is going to be an awesome year" type, but we all know childbirth is one of those game-changing life events that people get gooey about for decades, even when their little babies are fully grown. I can't say I'll be thrilled handling a baby and responding to its every need, but I know what this baby means to me and Mako and I.
So once again, Happy New Year and I look forward to seeing everyone again. Hope your year is as good as mine looks.
Labels: family, fuzzy memories, Japan, predicting the future, pregnancy
つづく...(Click here to read more)
