Ten Eleven Things I Won't Miss About Japan

Stuff that makes me eager to get the hell back home

After writing about ten (which became eleven) things I'll sorely miss about this country, I quickly realized that there was a "dark side" to nearly everything I chose. So for fun I put together this list of eleven things in Japan that I can't stand, although I obviously don't have as many pictures to show you. If it bugs me, I'm not about to snap a picture of it!

Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free...I need more money!

(Dis)Honorable Mention: Pachinko (パチンコ)

While I'll always be amused by their absurd Engrish stylings, the abundance of Pachinko parlors is kind of a blight on the land. Simply put, they are everywhere, no town too small, no space too cramped. Even normal video game arcades will invariably have a couple machines inside, but the reverse isn't true. While the sensory assault is pretty well confined to those who actually enter the parlor, the fact that they are everywhere is a shame, considering how limited space is in most places. If even a tenth of pachinko parlors were replaced by parkland this country would be much prettier.

10. New Year's (正月)

New Year's Eve in Japan is kind of a bummer. Most people spend the night at home with their families rather than go out and party. If that's the way they want it, I'm cool with that. But why must major businesses and banks remain closed for three days afterwards? For all the jokes about Japanese efficiency, it seems like we manage to celebrate our New Year's within one twenty-four hour period before getting back to work. Pick up the pace, Japan! I need to use an ATM already!

Please "STOP" getting in the way of the cars.

9. The Glaring Absence of Sidewalks (歩道はあまりない)

Walking around Japan these past few months has led to a general improvement of my health, without a doubt. Yet everytime I walk to school or even around the corner I'm actually risking my life. Most Japanese streets aren't very wide, even in major cities, and this means there are seldom any sidewalks to be found. Instead, cars, bikes, and pedestrians all share the same space. There is a shoulder of sorts, only it's particularly narrow and not at all secure. Adding to the comedy is the fact that the school often issued warnings to us to pay more attention to traffic after any accident occurred. Guess the whole "pedestrian has the right of way" concept never caught on here?

8. Sandwich Hell (サンドの地獄)

This idea came to me a few weeks ago when I stated (on another blog) that New York City was "sandwich heaven." I think it's a fair statement since delis are plentiful (some of which are world-famous) and the availability of cold cuts and good bread is widespread. So there are literally thousands of places to buy a delicious sandwich or buy your own supplies and make your own. However, this means that Japan is a good candidate for "sandwich hell." The problem isn't bread (because Japan has plenty of that) it's the extreme lack of what goes in between the bread that tortures me. Delis are non-existent and the average supermarket carries a woefully inadequate variety of sliced meat. I've seen ham and...ham. Mako has never eaten turkey in her life. Sliced cheese is just as scarce as most Japanese cheeses are shredded or designed for spreading. There are certainly many sandwiches to be found in convenience stores but they are thin and not very imaginative: usually they've got ham, cheese, egg, or occasionally bacon.

I will acknowledge that there are plenty of good places to get a burger in Japan which I usually consider separate from "sandwiches" despite being two pieces of bread with ingredients in the middle. Other than that, katsu sandwiches which feature a breaded cutlet (typically pork or chicken) are pretty good but ultimately remind me of how much better sandwiches are at home.

7. Addresses (住所)

Japan modernized itself in an incredibly short period of time and then needed to rebuild most of the country after we burnt it to the ground. Somewhere in there they missed an ideal opportunity to pick up on familiar concepts known to the rest of the world: named streets and numbered buildings. Instead, Japan uses an antiquated system that uses named and numbered "neighborhoods" with numbers assigned to the locations inside them, although these numbers are not necessarily sequential. Named streets exist but only in major cities and even then the address rarely reflects this. This results in addresses being completely useless for finding your way around; you either bring a map or forget it. Likewise, taxi drivers will not find your destination unless you already know how to get there. Total chaos.

6. Prices (物価)

First off, let me say that the cost of living in Japan gets a bad rap. As a New Yorker I found many prices to be fair and even shockingly low. There's plenty of inexpensive food to be had, much of it reasonably healthy to boot, and the lack of tipping makes dining out and bar-hopping surprisingly affordable. But Japan has its share of absurdly expensive items and services. Long distance travel by plane or train is particularly costly and steep tolls make driving no cheaper (especially when you add in the cost of gas, an ever-increasing expenditure). New CDs (2600 Yen+) and DVDs (4-5000 Yen+!) are so overpriced it's almost surreal. Likewise, going to concerts or even the movies is a costly expedition, although discount ticket shops exist to bring prices down to a "high" (rather than "way way fucking high") level.

5. The Great Garbage Can Hunt (ゴミ箱はどこ？)

Call it ironic or apropos but finding a trash can in Japan is often very hard work. Not just out here in suburbia, I mean even in major metropolitan centers where thousands of people pass through every day. I've seen major train stations and even public restrooms without a garbage can inside. There's also the added wrinkle of Japan's dedication to recycling, an otherwise commendable practice which leads to some trash cans being designated only for specific garbage. If you have the wrong kind of garbage, you're out of luck! Keep walking buddy, try to find a convenience store if you can.

4. Last Train (終電)

Sure, every evening out on the town must come to an end, and I've cut short my fun on more than one occasion to catch the last train at Grand Central, but Japanese train lines shut down so goddamn early! Service after 11 PM is spotty at best and they totally stop around midnight, regardless of weekday, weekend or holiday. New Year's Eve appears to be the lone exception but that's another problem altogether (see #10 above). To make matters worse, I'm not just talking about inter-city lines, the subways stop as well! Can you imagine catching a late showing of a movie and run the risk of not getting home? It's not like there is a dearth of late-night activities here in Japan; plenty of clubs and bars are open late every night. Let the people enjoy themselves without fear of being stranded!

I only know which end is "down."

3. Squat Toilets (和式)

Japan has some of the cleanest, nicest, most high-tech toilets around, and I will miss them dearly (as noted on my other list). So why on Earth do they continue to use these disgusting easy-to-miss-so-try-not-to-poop-on-your-shoes primitive crapholes? Worse yet, they continue to make new ones! Squat-style toilets can be found in modern public restrooms in newly constructed buildings at this very minute. I can understand the reluctance to tear up and replace all those old ones in use, but why install new ones? Once you go bidet, why would you stray? I flatly refuse to use them for anything but smaller urinals unless I am in a dire emergency, which thankfully only happened once five years ago during my first visit. I later learned I used it while facing the wrong way, but how can that be?

2. Weather (天気)

I know what Mark Twain said about the weather but it has to be said: Japanese weather blows. It's basically winter or summer all year, as spring and fall are relegated to incredibly brief intervals of comfortable weather. Those also happen to be most beautiful times of year (with the cherry blossoms in spring playing an especially large role in Japanese culture) yet a busy week or a storm front could easily cause you to miss them entirely. Unless you live in the Northeast, there's also barely any snow in winter which ruins the fun of the season for me. Instead, it rains. A lot. And this is without considering the "rainy season" in June where it basically rains everyday for a month. I caught the end of that five years ago and it was worse than it sounds.

1. Groupthink (和)

OK that's not the real Japanese translation for the word, it's a concept that doesn't really translate well into English. Basically, this is the flip-side to the stuff I was raving about on my other list: people tend to follow the rules and each other without question or variation. Even if it's past 11PM and there's not a car in sight, I often walk past people waiting patiently for the pedestrian light to change. Go to any restaurant (or watch any cooking show) and you'll hear the same exclamation with the same intonation, every time: おいしい～！ There must be other ways to describe food as "delicious" but I have yet to hear another one. Whenever formal attire is required, everyone wears the same color suit and tie. You could call it "not thinking outside the box" which isn't unique to Japan but it's certainly much more a way of life here than any other place I've seen.

Let me give you a more personal, irksome example: at the Kansai Gaidai cafeteria, curry is available everyday. If you want a soft-boiled egg added to it, you have to pay a few Yen extra. Recently, I tried asking for a raw egg which is a common topping for curry. The staff just shook their heads and said they didn't have any. I know they have eggs and I know they are allowed to serve them (that is, there's no health-code restriction as Japanese people eat raw stuff all the time) but because raw egg isn't on the menu at the curry counter, they couldn't help me.

Why does it happen? I couldn't say. Maybe it's a result of being an island nation, maybe it has something to do with the scarcity of synonyms, maybe it just works out better this way. Certainly this "harmonious togetherness" solves more problems than it causes. In the big picture this isn't really the most annoying thing about Japan, it just may be the hardest thing to understand.