Monday, October 06, 2008
Slow Learner
So I ran my mouth a little bit (virtually speaking) on Saturday while riding the train into Osaka to attend a party. I was feeling good about myself and about my plans for the evening (I don't get invited to many parties) and I talked some serious smack about writing.
Two days later, I feel like most of the fire I had is gone and I'm not sure what has changed. I'm still super jazzed about BioShock, I've been fooling around with LittleBigPlanet and I even stumbled across a new game I already owned (sort of...it's a long story) called Peggle which put me in a good mood. Of course, nothing brings out the happy in me quite like Mako's cooking. She's prepared a few of my favorites lately, including a ginger-rific version of mapo tofu and lamb curry. And while this week is a busy one, I'm heading straight for a three-day weekend of maximum relaxation in Tokyo.
So what's wrong? There's clearly a direct relationship between my frame of mind and my eagerness to write. I can't tell if this sounds childish or obvious, but I think I've got to have some reason or motivation to push "writing" ahead of the multitudes of other activities I could be doing on any given evening. I need something more than just me saying "I want to write." I've got to feel like writing is all I've got.
But how can I feel that way if my writing is, at this point, completely self-serving? Deadlines were a sure-fire way to get me to write in college, but they tore me up and made me feel terrible. That's the complete opposite of the "when can I start?" feeling I had all Saturday about writing.
So I had this idea tonight. Maybe if I just convince myself to spend one hour a day (or more, this is not a timed job) writing something, I will train myself to feel like writing belongs in my life. I'm not going to promise that this hour will be tangible in the form of blog posts, because I've got lots of things I started writing when I felt the urge and then put aside when the urge vanished. Whatever that "something" turns out to be, I'll know I was writing even if no one will.
It may not be possible, but I've got to convince myself that writing is the answer. The only question is, will I believe me?
Two days later, I feel like most of the fire I had is gone and I'm not sure what has changed. I'm still super jazzed about BioShock, I've been fooling around with LittleBigPlanet and I even stumbled across a new game I already owned (sort of...it's a long story) called Peggle which put me in a good mood. Of course, nothing brings out the happy in me quite like Mako's cooking. She's prepared a few of my favorites lately, including a ginger-rific version of mapo tofu and lamb curry. And while this week is a busy one, I'm heading straight for a three-day weekend of maximum relaxation in Tokyo.
So what's wrong? There's clearly a direct relationship between my frame of mind and my eagerness to write. I can't tell if this sounds childish or obvious, but I think I've got to have some reason or motivation to push "writing" ahead of the multitudes of other activities I could be doing on any given evening. I need something more than just me saying "I want to write." I've got to feel like writing is all I've got.
But how can I feel that way if my writing is, at this point, completely self-serving? Deadlines were a sure-fire way to get me to write in college, but they tore me up and made me feel terrible. That's the complete opposite of the "when can I start?" feeling I had all Saturday about writing.
So I had this idea tonight. Maybe if I just convince myself to spend one hour a day (or more, this is not a timed job) writing something, I will train myself to feel like writing belongs in my life. I'm not going to promise that this hour will be tangible in the form of blog posts, because I've got lots of things I started writing when I felt the urge and then put aside when the urge vanished. Whatever that "something" turns out to be, I'll know I was writing even if no one will.
It may not be possible, but I've got to convince myself that writing is the answer. The only question is, will I believe me?
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I can only write when I am hit with the inspiration bug, and then I write for the sole purpose of entertaining myself; even though, I might be doing it for school or to tell someone about something.
Traditionally, I have been bound by the "only good at writing about myself" rule, hence: this blog. But I'm hoping to change that with my latest master plan.
Not a writer myself, but I read voraciously... and the writing process fascinates me. I can't remember which author wrote it - maybe Warren Ellis or Greg Rucka - but to paraphrase, "Writing isn't inspiration, it's discipline. Sit down, shut up and write."
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