Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Off to a Poor Start
I never make New Year's resolutions because I inevitably fail to live up to whatever goals I set, leading me to feel like I have failed. It's like I often say: Expectations ruin everything. The more you count on something, the worst you feel when things don't work out. Better to just work towards self-improvement than declaring "this year will be different."
I bring this up because I once again found myself this evening looking at the world and my life through senselessly-dark, depression-tinted glasses. It's so stupid to think this way and I know it, yet I couldn't help but feel down. Drinking two beers alone in the Blarney Stone or eating two sandwiches at MOS Burger didn't help either; I knew that too. It's like I can't help but respond to depression with over-eating or drinking despite the full realization that it only makes things worse.
What brought me here? I felt rejected by Dylan today. He called me around 3 PM and we talked about meeting in Osaka. A half-hour later, after I had boarded the train for the city, he implies on the phone that he might meet a girl at 6 PM. When I ask "Is that with or without me?" I already know the answer: without. Dylan tries to soften the blow by suggesting we could do something as a trio before the two of them head off to dinner or whatever, but I was instantly enveloped with a slighted feeling. I could probably rationalize this by explaining why I was upset but that's not constructive. I shouldn't feel this way, regardless of who was "right" or "wrong." Either way, I am wrong to judge Dylan and myself so harshly.
I was already riding the train and had no reason to turn around so I continued into the city and met Dylan around 4. We had some ramen, checked out a few arcade games and the clock hit 6 pretty quickly. I was present when Dylan met the girl in question and did my best to make small talk. I thought we might get a drink somewhere but the first place we tried, Captain Kangaroo, was still closed for New Year's. Rather than try another place, Dylan said he would rather have coffee. I don't really like coffee so I decided to go to the Blarney Stone by myself.
Whatever, I can't stand wallowing in my own shit like this. I feel like crap right now and I hate it. I need to figure out how to deal with things like this without overreacting all the time. Dylan didn't do this to be mean to me, I'm not alone in the world and I've still got every reason to feel happy about my life.
Why am I so hungry lately?
I bring this up because I once again found myself this evening looking at the world and my life through senselessly-dark, depression-tinted glasses. It's so stupid to think this way and I know it, yet I couldn't help but feel down. Drinking two beers alone in the Blarney Stone or eating two sandwiches at MOS Burger didn't help either; I knew that too. It's like I can't help but respond to depression with over-eating or drinking despite the full realization that it only makes things worse.
What brought me here? I felt rejected by Dylan today. He called me around 3 PM and we talked about meeting in Osaka. A half-hour later, after I had boarded the train for the city, he implies on the phone that he might meet a girl at 6 PM. When I ask "Is that with or without me?" I already know the answer: without. Dylan tries to soften the blow by suggesting we could do something as a trio before the two of them head off to dinner or whatever, but I was instantly enveloped with a slighted feeling. I could probably rationalize this by explaining why I was upset but that's not constructive. I shouldn't feel this way, regardless of who was "right" or "wrong." Either way, I am wrong to judge Dylan and myself so harshly.
I was already riding the train and had no reason to turn around so I continued into the city and met Dylan around 4. We had some ramen, checked out a few arcade games and the clock hit 6 pretty quickly. I was present when Dylan met the girl in question and did my best to make small talk. I thought we might get a drink somewhere but the first place we tried, Captain Kangaroo, was still closed for New Year's. Rather than try another place, Dylan said he would rather have coffee. I don't really like coffee so I decided to go to the Blarney Stone by myself.
Whatever, I can't stand wallowing in my own shit like this. I feel like crap right now and I hate it. I need to figure out how to deal with things like this without overreacting all the time. Dylan didn't do this to be mean to me, I'm not alone in the world and I've still got every reason to feel happy about my life.
Why am I so hungry lately?
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Happy New Year! Sounds like you've had a busy few days. I understand feeling a little hurt by Dylan opting to hang out with some girl. You were feeling lonely since you had just spent som uch time with him and Scott, and Mako wasn't around either. That's normal. As long as you know that no harm was intended, I think that's the most important thing. If you feel upset, then you feel upset, but try not to let it take you over.
PS Hotel Kinki, how was it?
PS Hotel Kinki, how was it?
The Hotel is a good deal (you can look them up on the web at HotelKinki.com) but you might not like the neighborhood. There's some "adult entertainment" businesses nearby. However, those kinds of places are not uncommon in any major Japanese city. Also, it's only a short walk to the center of Umeda and lots of major train stations from the hotel.
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