a history of me

One of the things I love about NYC is the huge variety of services available, and at all hours as well. If I want Indian food at two in the morning, I can get it. However, this "city that never sleeps" surprised me today when I tried to make some copies of my resume. For starters, I struggled with my printer to create a double-sided page. I know some people say it should only be one side, but I need at least two pages to include all of my embellishments.
After printing, I wanted to make more copies and use some nicer paper. As it was only 4:30 I figured it would be a snap to get some professional copies made. I strolled to a nearby copy place but the clerk was outside and he said they were closed. The sign on the door said 9 PM but I guess they closed early for the holiday. He suggested a nearby Kinko's which also turned out to be closed. I thought the whole point of Kinko's was that they were open 24-7, but it seems that Memorial Day trumps business philosophies. Rather than search any further I went home. Fortunately this was no emergency, but does anyone else find my inability to get a photocopy made in the middle of afternoon spooky?

No? Well, it sucked.

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Sorry for not updating sooner, but I've had a very busy weekend. Not "hard work" busy but fun busy. I went up to my hometown on Friday to hang out with a bunch of friends, including Jason who is moving to Florida very soon. In between the jokes and levity we started to talk seriously about my need for a laptop computer. My computer has served me well but it has two serious drawbacks: it is five years old (positively ancient by computer standards) and it weighs a ton, especially the 19" monitor. Not exactly something I can haul with me on an international flight. I was told that the best prices around are on eBay and I found some pretty good looking deals. I put a number of systems on my watchlist and moved on.
Saturday we all came into Brooklyn to hang out with my friend Mike and record more music. This was the first time that six of us were all together at the same time in months. We were able to hang out and get a lot of audio work done. Having consulted my doctor, I got the green light to resume consumption of alcohol. I began the night with a 22 oz. bottle of Steel Reserve and later had a few Molson's. I got a buzz going pretty quickly but I never got crazy or even close to sick, nor was I hung over the next morning. It was a blast! I look forward to visiting Jason in Florida next year.
Today was a pretty sleepy day as most of my friends left early to return to Westchester. Even Mike had to run but he let Ben and myself hang out a little longer. Having heard good things about it for so long, I finally watched Anchorman (the unrated version). It was hilarious and totally demented to boot. There's no way the PG-13 version they showed in theaters was that funny.
Ben and I eventually came back to Manhattan and we both realized we had a craving for the Carnegie Deli. I was worried there might be a wait, what with the holiday weekend and all, but we were seated immediately. I had my usual: a pastrami sandwich on rye and a slice of cheesecake for dessert. Ben ordered a Reuben but actually modified it to the point it became a Rachel, something I just learned now on the internet. He wanted them to grill the sandwich with the Russian dressing but they refused. In any case it was enormous. I had nearly forgotten how awesome their food is.
All that eating wore me out so I went home to Dad's place. I guess this week I need to seriously accelerate, no, start my job search. Oh yeah, and I finally invested in a pre-paid mobile phone, so no more filthy pay phones for me.

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Mom returned to Florida yesterday after a breakfast meeting with Uncle John (her brother), Aunt Shirley, my sister and myself. I hadn't seen Uncle John or Aunt Shirley in well over a year so it was nice to check in with them. Mom might be back in NY later this summer but I don't think I'll be going down to Florida anytime soon since I need to find a job and I don't anticipate any vacation time.
After breakfast I had lunch with Mikhail from the AGA at Albany. We hit a pretty tasty sushi place called Migita on Montague St. in Brooklyn. Mikhail showed me a real nice view of Manhattan on that same street. You can see the Financial District's impressive spires, the Brooklyn Bridge and the Statue of Liberty. Worth seeing, if you're in the neighborhood.
Today I got some pretty good news from my dermatologist. The "inflammations" are pretty much gone and with a little luck (and a load of moisturizer) they won't come back. I still have questions about my insides but to finally have my outside in order is a tremendous relief. After hearing the news I met up with Kazu and Jung Eun and we hung out for the bulk of the afternoon. Kazu made beef curry for dinner and I had my first taste of kimchi. Kazu is staying with Jung Eun and two other Koreans and he says they've been eating it non-stop for a few days. I dug it because I like spicy foods but the aroma is really strong. I had a full dish of beef curry and rice with a small side of kimchi and the kimchi easily overpowered the rest of my food. I bet it goes great with beer, not that I've been drinking at all.
Damn it, I sure could use one this weekend. We're sending off my friend Jason who's moving to Florida soon and I don't want to be the only sober one at the party. I know they taught us in high school not to cave in to peer pressure but there's no need to be an iconoclast all the time, is there?

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Another day spent with Mom. Today we went to the always fascinating Metropolitan Museum of Art. Their "suggested donation" is now a "recommended donation" and it's a lot higher than I remember it being ($15?). Fortunately it's still optional. As usual, we spent over two hours inside and barely saw a third of the total exhibition space. My favorite scene is still the "Arms and Armor" hall but I was also hoping to see a piece of video art I had seen two years ago called The Quintet of Remembrance; sadly, it left quite some time ago. In its place are some really creepy pieces by Tony Oursler. I strongly warn you not to view them without some serious psychoreactive substances.
After the Met, Mom and I took a stroll in Central Park where an incredible event took place. We ran into Kazu and Jung Eun*, my friends from school! I knew they were coming to NYC but I had no idea they were already in town. Besides, even knowing they were around, what are the odds of running into them at that exact moment? Must be a million to one.
Following that improbable encounter, Mom and I went all the way down to Chinatown. Mom actually wanted to browse some of those little stores that sell, well, everything. We were going to grab a bite to eat at my favorite spot, Lin's Dumpling House on Pell St. To my horror, it has closed! Indeed, it has already been replaced by something else! This came as a real shock because I felt like it was like my own little secret "hot spot" for cheap, tasty treats. Guess it was too secret to maintain business, and that's a shame. The good news I found a new secret spot, Tasty Dumpling. It's on Mulberry near Columbus Park and it's cheap. Really, really cheap. No, cheaper. Imagine four steams pork buns for a dollar! Mom and I ate our fill for $5.75, total. I'm sad that Lin's is gone but it's a real thrill that I found a new joint.
After the meal we tried to locate the modern equivalent of the old Five Points intersection. Of course, those old streets have all been renamed and rearranged, so there are no remnants or even an acknowledgement of that past neighborhood. It seems change is a constant in this city, be it a tasty repast or a entire block.
*still not sure how to properly romanize this, sorry!

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I had another nightmare last night. I'm starting to wonder if my less-than-sunny disposition might be connected to the fact that every dream I remember is a nightmare. This particular dream was freaky because on the surface it seemed like a wonderful fantasy. I had incredible strength and I was able to best any challenger who dared cross me. Unfortunately I was killing people, some of whom were close to me, but I don't remember who or why. I was doing this over and over, like Groundhog Day only it wasn't funny at all. I woke up feeling horrible and that lasted well past lunchtime.

Thankfully I didn't sit at home today. My sister and I met my mom and we went to the Central Park Zoo which I haven't visited in about a decade. It's very nice, the admission is cheap and it's very close. One odd new innovation is that most exhibits now feature poetry, none of which seemed to apply to the corresponding animals. I suppose it's unobtrusive but it's even stranger than the poetry you see in the subway. Speaking of subway poetry, during tonight's ride back from Brooklyn I encountered an excerpt from Macbeth, specifically Act V Scene v:

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time,
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

I'm not much of a scholar but that seems like a rather despondent sentiment to put on the R train.

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I didn't do much this weekend other than struggle to enjoy myself. I finally got a haircut and an overdue shave down at the Astor Place Hairstylists. I spent the evening with friends in Brooklyn which was nice. We ate at this delicious middle eastern restaurant on DeKalb, great stuff. They made "pitzas" which are kind of like pizza only they're made with pita bread. Get it? Yeah, you get it.
This afternoon I met my mom who flew in for a few days. She's actually staying with my sister's former roommate in Brooklyn. We ate at this overly-hip Thai restaurant called Song. There was this DJ playing music the whole time which got pretty tiresome. However, the prices were really low and the portions were remarkably big. My dish tasted a little too much like licorice though. My sister thinks that's due to the basil they use.
What's on the agenda this week? Well, I'm going to hang out with my mom as much as possible before she returns to Florida and I'm hoping to meet up with Mikhail from the AGA. He lives here in the city so we'll get up to something. Beyond that, I'll have to start looking for a job soon. Oh yeah, I just found out that Miho Hatori is playing Tonic this Saturday night. Let's Enjoy!

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I'm sure you've heard the expression "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." Yesterday I experienced the ups and downs of this saying as I went to see the latest Star Wars film. You would think I would "remember the past" and recall how incredibly lame Episodes I and II were, but I somehow convinced myself this one would be different. Maybe it was the overwhelmingly positive critical reaction as seen over at Rotten Tomatoes. Whatever the reason, I went.

The bottom line is this is not a good movie. Yeah, it's better than I or II, but as this review from The New Yorker keenly notes, "only in the same way that dying from natural causes is preferable to crucifixion." The film's chief weakness is, like the first two, horrible acting. The script is no prize either, but I feel the acting is the greater tragedy. Several serious scenes caused the audience to erupt with derisive laughter. At one point (and I don't consider this a spoiler) Darth Vader wrenches his new body from the operating table looking like Frankenstein's monster before looking upward and bellowing "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" It was hilariously retarded.

It's not 100% lame but every cool moment seemed to immediately lead to a stupid one. There's a nasty CGI bad guy named General Grievous but he inexplicably coughs and chokes throughout the story. The Sith Lord has a really cool voice but his facial expressions are ridiculous. There are flashes of actual political commentary concerning war and the corruption of absolute power but the delivery is so absurd you simply cannot take it seriously.

Rather than elaborate further, I will give you the happy ending to this story. I saw the film at the Clearview Cinemas at 62nd & 1st. The print was scratched and discolored in several places, there were occasional sound "warping" moments and the projection actually began in the wrong aspect ratio and stopped completely during the credits. For a brand-new film, this was unacceptable. I informed the management (after waiting for twenty minutes) and received a free re-admission ticket for my troubles. That greatly improved my mood for the rest of the day.

(Speaking of mood, I saw the dermatologist yesterday and she gave me an ointment that is working wonders on my various "inflammations." It's a little goopy, but less than a day later I can see some dramatic improvement. She also definitively said that this is not cancer.)

So what did I learn yesterday? On the one hand, I foolishly ignored past evidence and assumed Episode III would be cool. On the other, I got a free ticket because I complained about the picture, something I learned from my past experience in movie theaters. All in all I'd say I broke even, but when do I start winning?

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Not in a very good mood today. I learned little from my trip to the doctor, other than the fact that I now owe him $350. I have to get some tests run tomorrow. One of them involves collecting all of my urine today, the other two involve my blood. All three will no doubt involve a serious impact on my bank account.

What's the answer? Medicaid! I spent a few hours sitting in Bellevue waiting to apply. It felt worse than going to the DMV. I have no idea what the answer is yet, as I need to submit more information before my application is formally "accepted." Once that happens, it still may take four to six weeks before I get an answer.

In the meantime I've had plenty of time to reflect on society's woes which are larger than my own. I watched The Corporation yesterday and it was awesome in a depressing sort of way, as I feel like I can't do a single thing to act towards changing the problems that the film highlights. On a different but equally frustrating note, I laughed and felt sad when I read this week's edition of This Modern World. It's a very funny cartoon but in reality that's a very serious problem threatening the basic intelligence of millions of real children. I've had a hard enough time dealing with the fact that I grew up with the softball version of American history:

Columbus, Puritans and Democracy, good!
Monarchy, Communism and Fire BAD!

Can you imagine the impact on children who grow up learning intelligent design and then try to incorporate that nonsense into the real world? Why bother teaching science at all if the backbone of that education is grounded in pure myth? In thirty years, will two hydrogens and a oxygen make water because of chemical bonding or because Poseidon willed it to be so?

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w00t! The Yanks won again and this time Tino hit two homers! They've won eight in a row to even their record at 19-19. Sure, .500 isn't great, but at least this will stop all those whiny reports that the Yanks are "too old."

Not much happened to me today. I ate my first falafel tonight, and I drank my first "cherry juice." I'm assuming cherry juice tastes like cherries because I've never eaten them. Then again, apple juice doesn't exactly taste like apples.

Tomorrow I go to the doctor and hopefully begin to uncover what the hell is wrong with me. My entire state of mind is riding on this.

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Just wanted to let everyone know that I made it back to New York safe and sound. Well, maybe not sound but I'll let the doctors determine that. Now that I'm back in the greatest city in the world, some of the greatest doctors in the world will have a look at me and tell me what's going on. In the mean time I'll do my best to relax and enjoy some of the greatest food in the world, made all the more delicious since I've been eating garbage for about seven months straight. The best part of all is that I won't be going back to Albany for more than a year!

I spent Thursday night and Friday hanging out with my hometown friends. I sucks that I can't drink at all (since they drink so very much) but I've got to wait and see what the doctors tell me. One of the few facts that I do know is that my blood has very high levels of AST and ALT, which means something is amiss with my liver so no alcohol until further notice.

Guess I'll just have to get "high on life," as the saying goes. Trouble is, I've had some mighty bad doses of that stuff in the past...

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Last final tomorrow, then I'm out. So this is my last post from Albany. I typed something mildly eloquent but fucking Blogger lost the post. I loathe this interface.

Welcome back Tino! Go Yankees!!

Feit...out!

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My life breaks down into chapters pretty easily. Going to two different high schools, my first attempt at college, my movie theater and post office experiences, each of these are distinctly different phases of my life. Without these divisions, my ups and downs jumble together and become less fascinating.

So what of the future? I imagined the next chapter would be spending a year in Japan, but now I'm not so certain. I'm still going to Japan, absolutely YES, but my medical condition is quickly enveloping my attention. Will these ailments deserve their own chapter in my life, or will they merely be a trivial footnote in between my sophomore and junior years at college?

Frankly, so long as they aren't an epilogue, I'll be alright.

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I called Mom today, as I ought to, and we had a long chat. It ended up mostly about me though, as I've become very concerned with a number of health issues compounded by some academic-phobia as well as some miscellaneous anxieties. Apparently I needed a good cry because that's what I had. Mom was very supportive, telling me things I needed to hear (even though I knew them already), even offering to fly up here if I needed help. I feel much better now though, especially after I went downstairs and ate dinner (well, two dinners really). I'm hoping to sort this mess out without forcing Mom to come all the way here, although I do appreciate her generosity.

I just need this ordeal to be over. Check that, ordeals. Do they ever end, or do they merely rotate?

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I was reading the Times this morning and a sidebar item about superheroes taking over the movies caught my eye. It's short and to the point but I felt it perpetuated the mainstream agenda to "remind" people that comics aren't for everyone, they're for troubled young men. It's kind of complimentary, yes, but of the backhanded variety. I quote:

Comic books are the foundation of a fan culture once derided and now celebrated as the province of nerds, misfits and losers - young men, like their idols' alter egos, who could compensate for their social marginality by coming to the rescue of the society that had spurned and mocked them.

I'm not going to deny that there are "nerds, misfits and losers" reading comic books; they've always been there and they always will be. The reiteration of this fact, however, is unfair to the millions of other people who read comics. For starters, it's not just young men who read comics but men of all ages and women as well.

It seems to be an American misconception that comics (and animation, for that matter) is somehow a medium that is inherently intended for children. One only has to look at Japan to see a society that accepts comics and animation as a viable medium for any age/gender group. Sure, there's a high-profile market aimed at young men, but that's just one genre out of many. In America, we inexplicably see "comics" as a single genre unto itself.

My point is this: Art is art, it's neither "high" nor "low." We associate nerds with comics, but why? Don't you think there are nerds who obsessively patronize the Met or Lincoln Center? I bet you a million dollars there are but we don't label them as outcasts. Likewise, what's the difference between a sports fan wearing a uniform from their favorite team and a Trekkie wearing a Starfleet uniform? There shouldn't be any difference at all, but one is "cool" and the other would be mocked. Frankly, I'd wager that everyone on Earth has some obsession, something they enjoy more than most other people, but only a certain portion of us are considered unhip for doing so.

Don't buy into it. You don't have to maintain these mythical cultural barriers. So long as your personal proclivities don't override your everyday life (going to work, paying your bills, etc), you are cool.

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The finality of this semester became painfully evident to me today when I returned my fridge. In fact, one of the reasons I drank so much last night (drlogged!) was today's impending refrigerator return. It served me well over these past eight months, pulling double duty as an appliance and a nightstand. I don't know where I'm going to put my alarm clock now!

This morning I got a message from the Health Center. Yesterday's blood test confirmed that I do not have diabetes, but there are signs of unusual liver activity. Naturally this news comes the day after my first serious alcohol evening in months. I don't know what all this means yet, other than me making appointments (and spending thousands of dollars) for various doctors when I get back to NYC. At this rate, I may need two summer jobs.

Tonight a bunch of us got together for dinner at Bombers in downtown Albany. Without me telling you, I'll bet you can guess that a place called "Bombers" means Mexican food. It was a little pricey (as Mexican always is) but the portions were ginormous. My six-dollar burrito was the size of my head, only heavier. Later in the evening a slightly-different group of us went bowling one last time. Given last night's consumption and today's ambiguous liver news I opted not to drink any alcohol. I bowled quite poorly although I did manage a few strikes here and there. I never came in dead last but I lost to Momo twice, and she only weighs like 95 pounds. While bowling she handed out these little "farewell" cards to everyone who was leaving this year. I got one since I'm going to Japan even though I'll be back the year after. The sentiments were very nice, but Kazu wrote his message in Japanese which means it'll be a few days before I figure out what it says (mostly because he has such sloppy handwriting ^_^).

It may be the weekend but forgive me if I don't feel terribly joyous.

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So a few friends came by and we drank a few beers. Mostly, I was the drinker. Perhaps too much? Nah, I'm fine. Shame aoubt the bag of pretzles she dropped...I weas goinmg to enjoy thiose/.

A word of advice: if you drink, DO NOT play Super Monkey Ball. It's a eye-hand cooradiantrion challengfe. The whole screen rolls and moves, it's too much for a drinking person to handle.

Yankees lost again. They know these games count, right? Normalyy I wouldn;t say anything but when you drop[ 3 of 4 to the Devil Ryas a red flag is raised somwhere.

Should I wooried if my urine is lcear? clear? I 've been drinking beers but my mittrigation ahs bno color...has no color? Micturation rahter.,

drunk

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Step one on my road to recovery was taken this morning as I had some blood drawn for a test. I don't know when to expect the results.

Today I completed all of my Acting assignments. I performed my scene for the last time (the first scene from Beyond Therapy by Christopher Durang) and my monologue for extra credit (Play It Again, Sam which was originally a play by Woody Allen). Both were well received by the class. The scene was probably the funnier of the two as I was wearing an open shirt and a necklace. That was the style at the time the play was written and there's even a line about it: "I like your necklace. It goes nicely with your chest hair." I looked sexy and ridiculous at the same time.

I took my Japanese final on Monday and Tuesday, so that's over with as well. I think it went very well although to be honest, given my grades in that class I didn't need to score terribly high on the final to get an A. Likewise, I am expecting an A in Acting class thanks to the monologue. So that's two classes completely finished and (potentially) two A's.

So tonight I will celebrate and host a few guests. I should have at least one party this year, shouldn't I? There's no better time than Finals week. What else would I do otherwise, study? You know me better than that.

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I'm trying to remain calm about this and I hope you (that means you, Mom and Dad) will remain calm as well. I went back to the Health Center for another check of my continuing skin ailments. The only thing worse than having a doctor say "I don't know what that is" is having a doctor say it six weeks into treatment. My "furuncle" may not be a furuncle at all. It could be Cushing's syndrome or Diabetes or possibly Cancer.

Excuse me? Fucking CANCER?!?!

sorry, I'm OK. Anyway, now I've got to find a dermatologist to see ASAP in order to learn which potentially fatal affliction I might have. Of course, there's also three final exams and two term papers for me to complete.

Shit.

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Today was the last day of classes. I've still got a number of exams/papers/performances to complete, but I have no more classes to attend. So I guess that's a mini-load off of my mind.

Oh right, there was a funny detail I forgot to share from Saturday's trip to Yankee Stadium. During the player introductions, the PA system plays The Imperial March (from Star Wars) for the visiting team because they're the "enemy." What was different about Saturday was there were visiting cadets from West Point (along with some Canadians) marching in the outfield during the presentation. So, for a few brief moments, our military was marching to Darth Vader's theme music.

That's right. Let the irony soak in.

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Today was the last day for two of my classes, and I had two exams. In Japanese class, it was the "listening final." Basically she read a paragraph or two and asked us questions that we had to answer in Japanese. It was pretty easy because she spoke very slowly for our benefit. My desk had a funny angle to it though, so all my handwriting had a slant to it.

It was my second exam that I was really dreading, Japanese Religious Studies. I tried to study for it but the professor likes to give us these "thought-provoking" questions that don't recall past information but force us to use that info for more creative answers. I'd explain further except I don't really understand it. So I was really nervous about the exam and I was sitting in class, super-anxious and I just didn't want to take it. The professor shows up and announces that the exam is postponed until next Thursday at 8AM...8AM?!? Why on Earth would a 2:45 class have an exam at 8 in the fucking morning? And I was hoping to leave by next Thursday!

Just one more piece of evidence in the case against procrastination.

On the lighter side, I had this exam in Critical Thinking class recently that I did really well on. Normally I wouldn't boast about high scores but I'm particularly proud of this one as the professor made it clear that most people did twenty points worse on this exam than the previous two. I, on the other hand, scored a 99, my best yet! Anyway, the professor gave an optional homework assignment to allow the rest of my slacker classmates to build up their exam scores. I decided to complete the assignment as well. Is it arrogant to grab that extra point? Well, I did it anyway.

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As you may remember, I've grown tired of the vacuous omnipresence of Paris Hilton lately. So when I saw a Paris-themed article in the NY Times recently, I thought it might touch on growing distaste people have for her overexposure (literally). Instead, it's a gushing love note on how wonderful Paris Hilton is and how clever she must be to have achieved all that she has. I think this quote sums up why her über-fame is so absurd and why music sucks so bad these days:

Ms. Hilton is recording an album, and plans to collaborate with the producer Lil Jon, who produced Usher's hit song "Yeah!" "When I was saying I was going to work with Paris, people were like, 'You've got to be kidding, she can't sing,' " he said. "But it didn't really matter to me because she is sexy. And if you can capture that on a record, she could easily sell a million quick."

Remember, if stuff like this makes your head hurt, don't suffer in silence. Visit H.O.P.E. in America to find out how can do something about it!

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I just got in from a day trip to NYC to see the Yankees play the Blue Jays at the Stadium. We (Kazu, Koo*, Jung-un* and myself) left early this morning in order to make the 1:05 scheduled start via a Metro-North/subway connection. It was a pretty big deal for my foreign friends as they'll all be leaving the U.S. soon and they really wanted to catch a Yankee game before they left. We met up with my sister Salena (just back from France) at the gate. It was raining but not very heavily. They wisely decided to wait an hour before starting the game, allowing the rain to all but die out. We weren't bothered by the moisture as our seats were all the way at the top: Tier Reserved, Row X. Having seen a few games from this vantage point I'm starting to prefer it. Not only do you get a very good view of the entire field, you have a roof over your head and no one sits behind/on top of you.

A quick recap of the game can be found here. What you won't read about was the big fan turnout for the major-league debut of 王建民 (a.k.a. Chien-Ming Wang). There were scores of fans with signs, banners, even Taiwanese flags. I'm always fascinated by organized fans. Who gathered them all? Are they actually family or just fellow natives? Where the hell did they get professional signs with Chinese on them?

After the game Salena went back to Manhattan while the four of us went back to Westchester. We met up with a few of my hometown friends for a delightful dinner at Squire's in Briarcliff. I could have sworn I blogged about that restaurant before, but I couldn't find any posts in the archive. Anyway, they serve de-li-ci-ous burgers (and the like) that hit the spot. I eat a lot of "burgers" here at school but they are merely burnt silvers of meat that are shamefully masquerading as such. Squire's has the real deal, and recently they've been serving the fabled Kobe beef to boot. I was pleasantly surprised at how well everyone got along. Kazu seemed to find delight in how well I got along with my friends. He sees me here at school where I am always teetering on the brink of despair (especially these past few weeks) so I think he enjoyed seeing me happy for a change.

After dinner we made the long trip back to Albany, and here I am. Still happy, I guess, for now.

*I'm not sure how to properly Romanize their names, sorry!

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