Friday, November 11, 2005
Wonderful Dilemma
I've spent a decent portion of this afternoon contemplating a potentially futile notion: how to logically consider whether or not I am in love with Mako. Logic and love are pretty much incompatible though; much like logic and religion (or right-wing politics for that matter).
Before I get too into my thoughts I just wanted to share a bit of personal pride in my weight loss. When I went to the bar last night it was my first time hanging out with Jacques, Ryan and Manami since early September. While I see Jacques and Ryan on campus all the time, Manami already graduated so this was (more or less) our first meeting in two months. As soon as she saw me she exclaimed 「痩せました！」, "[You] lost weight!" Similarly, I spent some time earlier today chatting online with Chappi, a Japanese girl at Albany whom I had a crush on last year. When I showed her this recent picture she was all aflutter with "you look good yo" and 「かっこいい」, "[You look] cool/attractive/stylish." These two incidents happening so close to one another does wonders for my ego.
Speaking of ego, let's go over my "deep thoughts" of today concerning Mako and I. First of all, I tried to decide whether or not I really love her or if I'm just in a really happy boyfriend/girlfriend dating situation. While I am anxious about rushing into anything (especially after this summer with Hyde) I feel confident that I really do love Mako which begs the question "should I tell her?" At this point we've shared a lot of sweet words and spent some time being physically intimate but no one has ventured to say "I love you" in either English or Japanese.
Initially I came to the conclusion that I could think of no good reason not to tell her when I felt the time was right. We've already established a mutually-exclusive couple arrangement so there's little chance of sounding "smothering." No one's going to be moving in with anyone nor is anyone talking about engagement or marriage. There is a risk of "too fast too soon" but I feel the tone of conversations we've been having are steadily escalating towards "love" anyway. As far as the potential for increased heartbreak when we must separate next year, that's a long way away and I don't think telling Mako I love her will make that moment any harder than it already will be, not to mention the fact that holding back my feelings is already quite stressful.
Then a mini-revelation occurred that scrapped the aforementioned conclusion: what does Mako think? If I open up to her and say "I love you" what kind of a position does that put her in? Would she feel obliged to respond in turn even if she doesn't feel the same way? Even if she and I agree and we do love each other, is it uncouth to "force" that into the open? So much of Japanese language and culture seems to revolve around what isn't said. I was so occupied with what she meant to me that I almost forgot to consider what I might mean to her.
Have I reached a new conclusion in this matter? Not yet. I feel I'd be better off if I could somehow only think of Mako when we're together, like we only exist as a couple from the time we meet to the time we part (kind of like Fight Club). However, that's far too impractical to be realistic. How could I deny myself the happiness I feel knowing that she and I found each other? Better yet, why should I deny that?
Methinks it's time to have a drink and a chat with Scott. Tomorrow Mako and I will see some real beauty, both man-made and natural. In the meantime, please share any other arguments for or against my position. Your vote counts! This blog is interactive, after all.
Before I get too into my thoughts I just wanted to share a bit of personal pride in my weight loss. When I went to the bar last night it was my first time hanging out with Jacques, Ryan and Manami since early September. While I see Jacques and Ryan on campus all the time, Manami already graduated so this was (more or less) our first meeting in two months. As soon as she saw me she exclaimed 「痩せました！」, "[You] lost weight!" Similarly, I spent some time earlier today chatting online with Chappi, a Japanese girl at Albany whom I had a crush on last year. When I showed her this recent picture she was all aflutter with "you look good yo" and 「かっこいい」, "[You look] cool/attractive/stylish." These two incidents happening so close to one another does wonders for my ego.
Speaking of ego, let's go over my "deep thoughts" of today concerning Mako and I. First of all, I tried to decide whether or not I really love her or if I'm just in a really happy boyfriend/girlfriend dating situation. While I am anxious about rushing into anything (especially after this summer with Hyde) I feel confident that I really do love Mako which begs the question "should I tell her?" At this point we've shared a lot of sweet words and spent some time being physically intimate but no one has ventured to say "I love you" in either English or Japanese.
Initially I came to the conclusion that I could think of no good reason not to tell her when I felt the time was right. We've already established a mutually-exclusive couple arrangement so there's little chance of sounding "smothering." No one's going to be moving in with anyone nor is anyone talking about engagement or marriage. There is a risk of "too fast too soon" but I feel the tone of conversations we've been having are steadily escalating towards "love" anyway. As far as the potential for increased heartbreak when we must separate next year, that's a long way away and I don't think telling Mako I love her will make that moment any harder than it already will be, not to mention the fact that holding back my feelings is already quite stressful.
Then a mini-revelation occurred that scrapped the aforementioned conclusion: what does Mako think? If I open up to her and say "I love you" what kind of a position does that put her in? Would she feel obliged to respond in turn even if she doesn't feel the same way? Even if she and I agree and we do love each other, is it uncouth to "force" that into the open? So much of Japanese language and culture seems to revolve around what isn't said. I was so occupied with what she meant to me that I almost forgot to consider what I might mean to her.
Have I reached a new conclusion in this matter? Not yet. I feel I'd be better off if I could somehow only think of Mako when we're together, like we only exist as a couple from the time we meet to the time we part (kind of like Fight Club). However, that's far too impractical to be realistic. How could I deny myself the happiness I feel knowing that she and I found each other? Better yet, why should I deny that?
Methinks it's time to have a drink and a chat with Scott. Tomorrow Mako and I will see some real beauty, both man-made and natural. In the meantime, please share any other arguments for or against my position. Your vote counts! This blog is interactive, after all.
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Tough to say. On the one hand, if you are genuinely stressed out by holding your feelings back, I'd say just tell her how you feel. Yet it might stress her out in a way to hear something like that -- love is serious stuff. Something tells me the Japanese probably use that term much less frequently than us Americans.
Try not to stress about it and if the moment feels right, than just say how you feel.
Try not to stress about it and if the moment feels right, than just say how you feel.
Yet another "I love my girlfriend" post. The next one better be the romantic story of when you actually told her (in so many words).
# posted by 
: 11 November, 2005 23:54
: 11 November, 2005 23:54
Eight, cutting. Simply cutting. Let the man muse, lost in the heady daze of love - with all it's musks.
# posted by : 12 November, 2005 04:03
: 12 November, 2005 04:03
If you want to, you should tell her. That's waht you feel and if you just want her to know go ahead. But be prepared that she might not say it back. Maybe she's not ready for it yet. But you never know. maybe she feels the same way and is waiting for you to say it first. To actually say "I love you" - no matter in which language, is a hard thing to do. you expose yourself and become vulnerable, but after you said it you'll feel so great. Just because you let her know how you feel for her. Timing is everything. So when it feels right, go for it...
Good luck ;o)
Good luck ;o)
What's with all this "love" stuff? Sounds to me like you're stressing too much over the concept, rather than your actual feelings. Saying "I love you" should never be this difficult. Go with your feelings at the moment. Don't plan a tactical strike in which you bombard her with those heavy words. Americans throw that expression around as carefree as "pass the potatoes" Bottom line... no one can tell you when to drop the hammer. That's a decision only you can make. Go with your feelings
# posted by : 14 November, 2005 04:10
: 14 November, 2005 04:10
Since all this contemplation is moot (given that I've already told Mako that I love her) I didn't feel the need to respond until I read Jimmy's comment. Just because most Americans throw "I love you" around willy-nilly doesn't make it any easier for me to ignore the importance of those words to me. This wasn't a decision I took lightly because I don't take that feeling lightly, so I took my time exploring my thoughts (both in my blog and by myself) for a long time beforehand.
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