Friday, September 16, 2005
Ouch...
My chest hurts. HURTS! Partly because I've been coughing so much this week but mostly due to the spectacular debacle of an evening that I just experienced. It feels like I got punched and it's exactly this kind of feeling that I've been avoiding by not trying to go out and meet people more often.
The day started off pretty nicely. The weather was comfortable, again, which makes me begin to hope that the agonizing heat and humidity of summer may finally be behind us. I went to the bank to get some more cash for the three-day weekend before heading to class. Class went smoothly; I got another perfect score on my last quiz. So far, so good.
I met Kazu for lunch. We had a little trouble finding seats because today was officially the first day of classes for the Japanese students, so the student body on campus has suddenly increased exponentially. Still, once we were seated we actually encountered two (female) friends of his who sat down with us. I'd like to think I was pretty chatty today, trying my hand in both languages and getting my points across. After lunch, I had two more classes which both went OK. Again, a good day by most standards to this point.
See what I mean? Grabbing a bus is no longer an easy task.
This sign directs drivers to nearby parking lots and even indicates which ones have spaces available.
Alright, now I need to offer a little background. For the last few weeks I've been exploring various Internet options for meeting new people. One of the first things I tried was Craigslist since there happens to be an Osaka-specific listing and I had some pretty good experiences with the New York edition over the summer. The Osaka page is a lot smaller since most people here don't speak English but I found one particular ad which seemed fun: a woman who was in town for the month and looking to hang out with an English-speaking person. Nothing like a date, mind you, this was the "platonic" section. Being an English speaker I volunteered and we sent each other a few e-mails back and forth. Earlier attempts to meet ended up conflicting with other plans but over the last few days we agreed to meet tonight and go to Kobe. Last night she even called me to discuss the plans: we would meet at Kyôbashi Station at five o'clock and then head to Kobe. This morning I sent her a picture of myself in order to facilitate said meeting, although I suppose that was a little redundant since I would almost certainly be the only white guy standing around the station.
Enough recap: I left school promptly at four to get to Hirakata City Station, opting not to bother checking my e-mail before I left (big mistake). I ended up getting to the station super-early which means I got to Kyôbashi super early as well. I used the extra time to cool off with a cafe au lait and wash my face in a restroom (by the evening, I am inevitably quite shiny). And then I waited in the predetermined area.
Five o'clock came, nothing. I thought maybe I had said five thirty.
Five thirty, nothing. I tried to walk around a bit to make sure I was clearly visible to anyone who could possibly be looking for me.
When it came to be six o'clock I knew something was up. I thought maybe she might have sent me an e-mail in the afternoon but given that she had my mobile phone number and mobile e-mail address, I couldn't believe she wouldn't use it to cancel. I tried to use my phone to access my email (yeah, it goes on the web) but viewing web pages on a phone is not an exact science; I couldn't figure out how to input any text in order to actually log in.
I wanted to give up and just get something to eat or drink but I also thought maybe I should just go home. Not sure how to proceed (and feeling very rejected) I called Scott for advice. He suggested I try finding an Internet cafe and reading my mail before completely writing off the meeting. I found the nearest dude handing out flyers and asked him where an Internet cafe was. I didn't really understand his directions but his restaurant's flyer had a map of the area so I tried to find my way. As I got close I got handed another flyer, this time for a multi-purpose business which included an Internet cafe. Hey, pretty lucky! I asked this guy how to get to his establishment and he tried to explain it me but I failed to understand. So he went ahead and led me straight to it (damn, this service rocks).
After verifying that they weren't going to rob me or rip me off (150 Yen for 30 minutes seemed more than fair), I logged in and checked my mail. Indeed, I had received a message at two o'clock:
Looks like a fun area to kill a few hours, right?
I decided to go to the restaurant the first flyer guy had been advertising and have a beer. I struggled with the ordering process, eventually picking what I thought was yakitori-esque grilled meats. Instead, they were breaded and deep-fried which certainly was tasty but certainly not very healthy. I left and walked around the area some more, hoping to find some kind of bar or similar hangout. I failed to do so and just decided I should try going home and drinking in Hirakata instead. I ended up missing the right train by mere seconds and waited about ten minutes for the next one.
Back in Hirakata, I was totally sober and borderline despondent. What the hell was wrong with me? What about me made this person run for the hills rather than meet me for a casual get-together? Or worse, was this all in my head? I had no answers, just incredible feelings of inadequacy and frustration. I was unhappy, lonely, depressed, you name it. All I wanted was to feel good and I knew a beer or two would help me tremendously. I knew there was a Wara wara location (remember?) near the station so I figured I would pop in and down a few. I went inside and found myself unable to understand anything the waitress was telling me - contextually, I presumed she was telling me there would be a wait but I couldn't discern any of the words and I didn't know how to inquire about seating at a "bar" or something similar. I certainly didn't want to sit and wait for a table so I could sit by myself and drink beers, that would only worsen my mood. I was trying to force myself into a social situation but I just got fed up and left.
So here I am, back in the dorm again on Friday night, alone. I'm not giving up but I feel like absolute garbage. There's a lump in my throat and I'm not talking about mucus; it's a genuine feeling of despair that I'm refusing to acknowledge lest it consume me.
Does everyone have this happen to them? Am I trying so hard not to procrastinate on making friends that I'm actually setting myself up to feel bad everytime a plan falls through? Or am I just going to have to get used to this until someone looks past my misshapen appearance and chooses to spend time with me? Please, if you have any thoughts on this matter, don't hold back. If you think I'm nuts, say so. After this experience I need some completely honest feedback, even if it's not positive.
The day started off pretty nicely. The weather was comfortable, again, which makes me begin to hope that the agonizing heat and humidity of summer may finally be behind us. I went to the bank to get some more cash for the three-day weekend before heading to class. Class went smoothly; I got another perfect score on my last quiz. So far, so good.
I met Kazu for lunch. We had a little trouble finding seats because today was officially the first day of classes for the Japanese students, so the student body on campus has suddenly increased exponentially. Still, once we were seated we actually encountered two (female) friends of his who sat down with us. I'd like to think I was pretty chatty today, trying my hand in both languages and getting my points across. After lunch, I had two more classes which both went OK. Again, a good day by most standards to this point.
See what I mean? Grabbing a bus is no longer an easy task.
This sign directs drivers to nearby parking lots and even indicates which ones have spaces available.
Alright, now I need to offer a little background. For the last few weeks I've been exploring various Internet options for meeting new people. One of the first things I tried was Craigslist since there happens to be an Osaka-specific listing and I had some pretty good experiences with the New York edition over the summer. The Osaka page is a lot smaller since most people here don't speak English but I found one particular ad which seemed fun: a woman who was in town for the month and looking to hang out with an English-speaking person. Nothing like a date, mind you, this was the "platonic" section. Being an English speaker I volunteered and we sent each other a few e-mails back and forth. Earlier attempts to meet ended up conflicting with other plans but over the last few days we agreed to meet tonight and go to Kobe. Last night she even called me to discuss the plans: we would meet at Kyôbashi Station at five o'clock and then head to Kobe. This morning I sent her a picture of myself in order to facilitate said meeting, although I suppose that was a little redundant since I would almost certainly be the only white guy standing around the station.
Enough recap: I left school promptly at four to get to Hirakata City Station, opting not to bother checking my e-mail before I left (big mistake). I ended up getting to the station super-early which means I got to Kyôbashi super early as well. I used the extra time to cool off with a cafe au lait and wash my face in a restroom (by the evening, I am inevitably quite shiny). And then I waited in the predetermined area.
Five o'clock came, nothing. I thought maybe I had said five thirty.
Five thirty, nothing. I tried to walk around a bit to make sure I was clearly visible to anyone who could possibly be looking for me.
When it came to be six o'clock I knew something was up. I thought maybe she might have sent me an e-mail in the afternoon but given that she had my mobile phone number and mobile e-mail address, I couldn't believe she wouldn't use it to cancel. I tried to use my phone to access my email (yeah, it goes on the web) but viewing web pages on a phone is not an exact science; I couldn't figure out how to input any text in order to actually log in.
I wanted to give up and just get something to eat or drink but I also thought maybe I should just go home. Not sure how to proceed (and feeling very rejected) I called Scott for advice. He suggested I try finding an Internet cafe and reading my mail before completely writing off the meeting. I found the nearest dude handing out flyers and asked him where an Internet cafe was. I didn't really understand his directions but his restaurant's flyer had a map of the area so I tried to find my way. As I got close I got handed another flyer, this time for a multi-purpose business which included an Internet cafe. Hey, pretty lucky! I asked this guy how to get to his establishment and he tried to explain it me but I failed to understand. So he went ahead and led me straight to it (damn, this service rocks).
After verifying that they weren't going to rob me or rip me off (150 Yen for 30 minutes seemed more than fair), I logged in and checked my mail. Indeed, I had received a message at two o'clock:
I am terriblly sorry to tell you that I will have toCall me paranoid or a lunatic, but I don't buy it. If something really came up like this, why wouldn't she contact me directly, especially since it was only three hours before we were scheduled to meet? She knew I had a mobile phone and knew exactly how to reach me on it. I called Scott again to tell him what happened. He expressed his regret and said this kind of behavior was typical in Japan. He said they have a word for it, mokusatsu, which he defined as "ignore to death." Rather than confront someone about an unpleasant matter, he said a lot of people will just ignore it and let it go away on its own. While I'm not 100% I was being "ignored" (since I did receive some form of cancellation) I certainly felt like crap. The last thing I wanted was to turn back and just go home. Scott offered to change his plans so we could meet but I declined; no need to make him bend over backwards to ease my own (potentially exaggerated) sense of failure.
cancel the plan today.
I am getting an allegic reaction from
the lunch I had eaten a few hours ago...
I don't really want to go out with my
eyes all swollen up like this...
I am sorry I hope you got this message
before 5.
Looks like a fun area to kill a few hours, right?
I decided to go to the restaurant the first flyer guy had been advertising and have a beer. I struggled with the ordering process, eventually picking what I thought was yakitori-esque grilled meats. Instead, they were breaded and deep-fried which certainly was tasty but certainly not very healthy. I left and walked around the area some more, hoping to find some kind of bar or similar hangout. I failed to do so and just decided I should try going home and drinking in Hirakata instead. I ended up missing the right train by mere seconds and waited about ten minutes for the next one.
Back in Hirakata, I was totally sober and borderline despondent. What the hell was wrong with me? What about me made this person run for the hills rather than meet me for a casual get-together? Or worse, was this all in my head? I had no answers, just incredible feelings of inadequacy and frustration. I was unhappy, lonely, depressed, you name it. All I wanted was to feel good and I knew a beer or two would help me tremendously. I knew there was a Wara wara location (remember?) near the station so I figured I would pop in and down a few. I went inside and found myself unable to understand anything the waitress was telling me - contextually, I presumed she was telling me there would be a wait but I couldn't discern any of the words and I didn't know how to inquire about seating at a "bar" or something similar. I certainly didn't want to sit and wait for a table so I could sit by myself and drink beers, that would only worsen my mood. I was trying to force myself into a social situation but I just got fed up and left.
So here I am, back in the dorm again on Friday night, alone. I'm not giving up but I feel like absolute garbage. There's a lump in my throat and I'm not talking about mucus; it's a genuine feeling of despair that I'm refusing to acknowledge lest it consume me.
Does everyone have this happen to them? Am I trying so hard not to procrastinate on making friends that I'm actually setting myself up to feel bad everytime a plan falls through? Or am I just going to have to get used to this until someone looks past my misshapen appearance and chooses to spend time with me? Please, if you have any thoughts on this matter, don't hold back. If you think I'm nuts, say so. After this experience I need some completely honest feedback, even if it's not positive.
Feedback:
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First of all, it's distressing to hear you so upset. You feel you were rejected because of your appearance and that understandibly feels like crap. Is that really why she cancelled? You may never know.
I don't think you're nuts but you seem really crushed...all because of the actions of a complete stranger. I think you need to believe in yourself as someone who's worthy of spending time with and F anyone who won't give you a chance. So adopt that as a mantra, repeat it until you convince yourself of it, because it's in your best interest to not let social situations, or anyone or anything, rule you like that.
Contacting strangers is always a risk. You don't really know who you are dealing with. You have no idea what kind of person she is...so why value her? If she really rejected you based on your photo, for a friggin platonic meeting, what a piece of shit she is. You've said yourself in past posts that you don't value the opinion of people you don't respect, or something along those lines, which I completely agree with.
Try to relax. I think it's great that you are being proactive about meeting new people. Don't be too discouraged, but you need rock solid confidence to deal with bumps in the road like last night, and other bullshit life might throw at you. You have good friends, you can connect with people (I've seen it! Look at your success this summer in meeting a new friend), you are very intelligent and are doing something great with your life. Don't let others or their actions determine how you view yourself. That's up to you.
コメントがあります？ Type something, please. It's less work for me.I don't think you're nuts but you seem really crushed...all because of the actions of a complete stranger. I think you need to believe in yourself as someone who's worthy of spending time with and F anyone who won't give you a chance. So adopt that as a mantra, repeat it until you convince yourself of it, because it's in your best interest to not let social situations, or anyone or anything, rule you like that.
Contacting strangers is always a risk. You don't really know who you are dealing with. You have no idea what kind of person she is...so why value her? If she really rejected you based on your photo, for a friggin platonic meeting, what a piece of shit she is. You've said yourself in past posts that you don't value the opinion of people you don't respect, or something along those lines, which I completely agree with.
Try to relax. I think it's great that you are being proactive about meeting new people. Don't be too discouraged, but you need rock solid confidence to deal with bumps in the road like last night, and other bullshit life might throw at you. You have good friends, you can connect with people (I've seen it! Look at your success this summer in meeting a new friend), you are very intelligent and are doing something great with your life. Don't let others or their actions determine how you view yourself. That's up to you.
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