a history of me

The inability to turn on my laptop hasn't really had an impact on any of my studies or my ability to communicate with you good people. There are plenty of computers here in the dorm and on campus to be used for all of those things. No, its impact has largely been on my leisure activities. I have more than eight gigabytes of music on that thing that I had collected, somewhat painstakingly, over the last six years. I used to burn lots of CDs of music but I eventually got tired of it because the CDs take up more physical space than the mp3 files did on my hard drive. Without my music collection to listen to, I've felt like there's been a entire chunk of my life missing lately. There's also the matter of some, *ahem* "adult" materials I brought along that now sit idle, unable to entertain anyone at all.

Remember Zoolander? When Derek and Hansel are told the files they need are "in the computer," they both scratch, claw, and grunt while rattling the computer around, completely ignorant of how to extract the information from within. That's exactly how I feel, sitting in my room, staring at that damned black "wafer" on my desk. As I already mentioned, I think my last (affordable) hope is to try buying a voltage adapter and see if that makes a difference. Of course, I'm not sure how to even ask for that in Japanese. I looked it up in a dictionary and all I've got is boruteeji adaputaa. Meh, maybe Kazu can throw me another bone.

Speaking of Kazu, we had lunch together today. He somehow only has one class a day and only on two or three days a week. No wonder he had problems in Albany; they don't ask much but they do expect you to take at least four classes at a time! However, that's the past; today we had lunch and I tried to help him out with his English school work. Nothing unethical mind you, just proofreading and alternate suggestions of words/phrases. His laptop works (of course) so we could accomplish this in the cafeteria. I also finally got to see some the photos he took in the spring from Fountain Day and our trip to Yankee Stadium.

Looking at those photos from the Spring was very enlightening. All summer I've been completely unable to notice any change in my body from eating better or working out. However, seeing five-month old photos of myself really opened my eyes. Gradual change over time may be hard to see but photography just shows cold truth: I looked terrible! Seeing myself like that actually made me feel kind of good about myself for once. I really have come a long way since then! Anyway, Kazu said he was going to e-mail the pictures to me but I'm not going to hold my breath; if I had done that in the first place I'd be dead by now.

There was something else quasi-enlightening that happened between Kazu and I this afternoon. He asked me if I was making friends and I said no. This may be an oversimplification as I am meeting new people on occasion but I'd hesitate to call them friends yet. He asked me why not and I told him it was because I don't speak (enough) Japanese. His reply? "So what?" He asserted that lots of these girls understand English, at least to some degree. He makes a good point. At lunch, we were sitting with a few (female) friends of his and I hardly said a word to them in any language. True, I'm sick right now and I sound like an undead Barry White when I open my mouth, but that's just temporary. The real reason I haven't been making friends is I haven't been trying hard enough.

So what am I gonna do about this? Probably procrastinate at first but a seed has been planted. I tend to blame my social failures on a lot of things so I feel better about not having enough friends/dates/whatever. I can't hide behind that kind of crap anymore. There are total assholes who go around treating people like shit yet they have lots of friends and some people even look up to them. They certainly have little trouble enjoying themselves at parties or talking to women.

We've all heard the expression "Nice guys finish last." I think the unsaid second half of that statement is probably "...because they sit around waiting for people to notice how nice they are." It's high time for me to stop crying about this(figuratively, I swear) and do something! No, I won't become an asshole (although I've considered it on many an occasion), I've just got to somehow put myself into "extrovert" mode. Maybe that's not exactly me "being myself" but at this point in my life "being myself" sucks dick.

Some of you might know that I am a huge fan of The Catcher in the Rye. I actually own two copies and I try to reread it every few years to keep it fresh in my mind (my last reading was summer 2004 when I had lots of time to kill at work). I think I tend to get preoccupied with the notion that I dare not become a "phony" like the ones that Holden Caufield sees all around him. For whatever reason, I think I consider most normal social activities as "phony" and that's occasionally held me back. Like if I'm walking somewhere and I see a cute girl sitting by herself, I want to go start a conversation with her but it strikes me as the way a "phony" might behave. I'm not trying to make excuses here, I'm just trying to explore my thought process for you. I think the sooner I abandon this flawed line of reasoning, the better. After all, for all his anger and frustration, things didn't work out so hot for Holden in the end if I recall correctly.

Before I ramble any further I'll tie a bow on this sucker and publish it. One last note, as I'm in a problem-solving mood. Tonight I started downloading some of my favorite tunes from a few of my "music" pages in the links section. Every student has a set amount of space to use on the network and it's rather generous so I've started putting some kick-ass tunes in there so I can use headphones and listen to some music while I type. And that makes me feel damn good.

If only my other problems were so easily solved. Coming up with a solution is only the first step.