a history of me

Yesterday was another empty day. No progress in finding a job or solving my problems. The only significant event was the purchase of my airline tickets. My trip now has a beginning and an end date. I'd make one of those counters appear on the site but I can't do that with my new web host. I'll see what can be done about that.

Yesterday evening is a different story. For the first time in my entire life I managed to consume an entire serving of "Broccoli Rabe." Not only is it not actually broccoli, it's pretty tasty when you add enough lemon and garlic. I know that sounds like no big deal but to those who know me, that's some real progress in my diet.

After dinner we went shopping and bought a lot more stuff that I can enjoy, especially low-fat/fat-free cheeses. Then I boiled a bunch of eggs so I could eat those whenever (I had one today in fact). Later I decided that it was time for me to post my own personal ad on Craigslist instead of continually responding to others; the process is just too emotionally taxing. You can read what I posted right here although it should cycle off the site pretty quickly. I got a few replies, much to my surprise. We'll see if I can connect with any of them.

Minutes before I was going to turn off the lights and go to sleep, Hyde called me to invite me down to the Manchester. It was raining and I was kind of tired but so long as I have no job I have no excuse not to go and meet friends for drinks, whatever the hour. I walked down there and joined into a pretty intense conversation between Hyde and Oc that covered Middle East tensions and racial identity. After a few shots of some kind of Vanilla-liquor, there was a lot more singing than talking. When the jukebox hit Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You" Hyde belted out the whole tune in an impressive display of vocal power and range. Obviously she takes her singing more seriously than I do.

We drank at the Manchester until closing and then returned to Hyde's pad. One girl we were hanging out with in the bar, Tia, said she wanted to come back with us but then her friend dragged her someplace else. It's probably for the best because once we got back to Hyde's the conversation turned real personal. I talked about some pretty private things but I don't think I did or said anything embarrassing, although I'm not happy about smoking as much as I did. It's not that I fear addiction (I can resist that), I just don't like the habit. Surely I can get through one "party" without lighting up.

When we finally broke it was early morning and regular people were going to work and shit. I felt very odd stumbling past joggers on the move. I certainly had a ton of things to think about from our long conversation, but here is the dilemma: How personal should I get on this very public account of my mind? Can I safely explore my own feelings of inadequacy, my worries of being perceived as selfish, and the dread I feel from loneliness on a website for the world to (potentially) read? I don't think I can do that. Maybe after thinking about it some more.

In any case, I'm so glad Hyde and I seem to be getting right into sharing things that friends share. Not to sound selfish, but I really need someone to open up to around here. I just hope I can somehow return the favor and help her with her problems.