Monday, November 01, 2004
Second Verse?
Not the same as the first, though. Ten years ago, when I first went to college, I was a miserable student. I was fed up with school and frustrated by high school life in general, so I failed miserably. However, I fell in love, and by February she fell in love with me...or so I thought.
I don't want to get into that story, but here's the point: This time around, I'm looking at the opposite problem. Right now my grades are fantastic, possibly Dean's List material. Socially, however, I am failing miserably. Last night's party was a textbook example of my ineptitude.
It was at a restaurant that had been rented out by a fraternity, supposedly. Mostly international students were in attendance; I heard about it from the Japanese students I've met here at the dorm. I revised my Michael Moore costume as I figured the international crowd would be even less interested than the Hampshire crowd. So I broke out my Russian/Soviet Officer's hat, wore some matching clothes, and went as a...shit, I don't know, a guy in a Russian hat. You don't have to be something specific for Halloween, in my opinion. Hell, some people weren't wearing costumes at all.
Once inside, I bought a few drinks but I was too uncomfortable to dance or talk to people. I spent the entire evening standing around like a security guard, observing rather than attending the party. My hat turned out to be a Russian policeman's hat, so apparently I looked just like a fucking cop. That'll win people over! Irregardless, the failure was mine, not my hat's, so I can't blame my clothing for a solitary evening in room full of people. OK, that's a slight exaggeration, as I was introduced to a young woman from South Korea who I attempted to connect with. I say "young woman" not to artificially inflate her status, but because she was of an indeterminate age. She could be anywhere between 24 and 36. Aside from debating the "scariness" of Kim Jong Il, we never really got around to whatever it is you say to someone that expresses affection. She left, and given the number of students at this university I'll probably never see her again to follow up. My night mercifully ended around 3AM when I, in classic "nice guy finish last" style, walking behind this guy with his girlfriend because she was wearing my coat.
Chuck Palahniuk once described himself as "socially retarded." I don't have that problem because I'm reasonably intelligent; I know what I'm supposed to do, but I can't...or won't...do it. Perhaps I'm "socially constipated?" I sit and sit but never seem to shit. All I seem do is think. I can plan, ponder, think, and consider, but never do anything. My interests are all internal and isolated. I'm tempted to say something callous like "ignorance is bliss," based on who seems to be more socially adept, but that's inaccurate. My friends are all intelligent and thoughtful and socially active. So what do I want? What's the answer? Am I depressed? I don't know, maybe. I have been. I just feel unable to act, impotent if you will. I need potence; I need power, authority, assertiveness. And I think it has to be learned, because at this point I've got none of those things.
I don't want to get into that story, but here's the point: This time around, I'm looking at the opposite problem. Right now my grades are fantastic, possibly Dean's List material. Socially, however, I am failing miserably. Last night's party was a textbook example of my ineptitude.
It was at a restaurant that had been rented out by a fraternity, supposedly. Mostly international students were in attendance; I heard about it from the Japanese students I've met here at the dorm. I revised my Michael Moore costume as I figured the international crowd would be even less interested than the Hampshire crowd. So I broke out my Russian/Soviet Officer's hat, wore some matching clothes, and went as a...shit, I don't know, a guy in a Russian hat. You don't have to be something specific for Halloween, in my opinion. Hell, some people weren't wearing costumes at all.
Once inside, I bought a few drinks but I was too uncomfortable to dance or talk to people. I spent the entire evening standing around like a security guard, observing rather than attending the party. My hat turned out to be a Russian policeman's hat, so apparently I looked just like a fucking cop. That'll win people over! Irregardless, the failure was mine, not my hat's, so I can't blame my clothing for a solitary evening in room full of people. OK, that's a slight exaggeration, as I was introduced to a young woman from South Korea who I attempted to connect with. I say "young woman" not to artificially inflate her status, but because she was of an indeterminate age. She could be anywhere between 24 and 36. Aside from debating the "scariness" of Kim Jong Il, we never really got around to whatever it is you say to someone that expresses affection. She left, and given the number of students at this university I'll probably never see her again to follow up. My night mercifully ended around 3AM when I, in classic "nice guy finish last" style, walking behind this guy with his girlfriend because she was wearing my coat.
Chuck Palahniuk once described himself as "socially retarded." I don't have that problem because I'm reasonably intelligent; I know what I'm supposed to do, but I can't...or won't...do it. Perhaps I'm "socially constipated?" I sit and sit but never seem to shit. All I seem do is think. I can plan, ponder, think, and consider, but never do anything. My interests are all internal and isolated. I'm tempted to say something callous like "ignorance is bliss," based on who seems to be more socially adept, but that's inaccurate. My friends are all intelligent and thoughtful and socially active. So what do I want? What's the answer? Am I depressed? I don't know, maybe. I have been. I just feel unable to act, impotent if you will. I need potence; I need power, authority, assertiveness. And I think it has to be learned, because at this point I've got none of those things.
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Don't beat yourself up. Frankly I think most college parties suck. I get really uncomfortable in social situations too so maybe I shouldn't be giving advice. Perhaps come up with a few good ice breakers? Or is that lame? Meeting a good group of friends doesn't happen right away either Stay involved on campus, keep doing what you are doing. Relax.
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